


Uncomfortable Truth

by Admiralish



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Body Dysphoria, Crossdressing, Dubious Consent, First Time, Implied/Referenced Cheating, M/M, Misgendering, Underage Sex, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-18
Updated: 2021-02-18
Packaged: 2021-03-14 11:47:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 26,576
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29541870
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Admiralish/pseuds/Admiralish
Summary: Because he knew better than anyone that there were differences between alchemy books and school primers, differences between those who speak and those who recite, differences between adults and children.And Ed was different. He did not belong to the world of children. That was a choice he had made knowingly, willingly.But if he wanted to belong in Roy’s world, there were other changes that would have to be made.
Relationships: Edward Elric/Roy Mustang
Comments: 12
Kudos: 28





	Uncomfortable Truth

**Author's Note:**

> If you came here from my works for BNHA, well... this is a little different, and for that, I apologize.
> 
> If you came here because you just really love this pairing, I apologize as well.

Printed bureaucracy was fast becoming the most fearsome enemy Ed had ever had to face.

His schoolteacher probably would’ve laughed in the face of anyone who tried to tell her Edward Elric was considered a prodigy and a pioneer in his field. Stupid hag could laugh herself to death for all he cared. He had never excelled in school, and unless they added advanced transmutation array structure to the curriculum, he probably never would. His mother’s word for it was “fidgeting.” He “fidgeted.” Squirmed and writhed through lesson plans as if they were hot iron on his skin. He struggled to focus through long-winded explanations on numbers and values, could barely stand the torturous boredom of memorizing verses. He hadn’t even been interested in reading until he saw the praise Alphonse was getting for learning his letters.

It frustrated him, the way the words seemed to slip in and out of each other nonsensically, the way sentences and lines sifted like clouds of muck in the creekbed. It frustrated him more that he seemed to be the only one with these problems. If not for his father’s habit of forgetting to lock his study, there may not have been any hope for Ed at all. Just one more empty-headed country boy with no direction in life.

But with no desire to thank his deadbeat father for anything, Edward would instead thank the authors of the leather-bound tomes that gathered dust on his father’s shelves. The ones his old man had opened the least, relegated to rot on the bottom shelf. The ones that were in reach of tiny hands, the ones whose pages felt soft and whose bindings smelled warm and dry. People who had things to  _ say  _ , not just lines that needed memorizing.

Mr. Magnus, you really were a saint.

And if you truly were immaculate, would you be willing to send down a miracle to one pitiful State Alchemist?

Ed let his head drop onto his desk, the sun-warmed wood doing very little to ease the blossoming symptoms of one major headache. He didn’t know being a State Alchemist would be such a drag. It was a constant stream of forms and reports in dense legalese that no one wanted to sit down and explain to him, each page overflowing with words he couldn’t define and an insatiable lust for signatures, initials, and dates. Imagine where this country would be if they had the eggheads they paid to write these God-forsaken forms working on something  _ useful.  _ If they were putting this much effort in at those big labs in Central, they’d have discovered the elixir of life decades ago.

He rolled his head to the side, resting his cheek on the incomplete pile of paperwork. His braid slipped off his shoulders and dropped onto the table with a soft  _ thump  _ as he stared forlornly around the empty office. The rest of the unit had broken away for lunch, and honestly, he should’ve gone with them. He thought he could get all these stupid forms over and done with if he stayed behind to plug away at them, but he should’ve known he wouldn’t get a damn thing done without someone around to ask for help. The first lieutenant was his usual lifeboat. Even if she was a hardass, she never seemed to mind his questions too much. Anyone else was likely to curse at him for wasting their time explaining things twice.

It had taken a considerable amount of courage to glance up at the clock on the wall, and it was not an effort well-rewarded. He was supposed to have these finished and filed by one, but it was already half-past twelve and he felt like he’d barely gotten started. Damn his procrastination.

_ Come on, Magnus, where’s that miracle? _

The door on the far side of the office caught his eye. There was  _ one  _ other person who’d stayed behind, claiming he had some  _ important business  _ to attend to and needed to be left alone to handle it. Hawkeye wouldn’t be back in time to help him, but that didn’t mean no one could. It wasn’t ideal, but at this point it was do or die.

...But maybe death was preferable to having to bug the colonel about a bunch of shitty, over-written documentation.

His eyes found the clock again. Time in Eastern Command was a strange thing. Within the high concrete walls, minutes passed unusually slow, but this day was traveling at a breakneck speed, hurtling him towards certain doom.  _ Do or die, Edward, do or die. _

With a disgusted sigh, he pushed himself away from his desk, his chair squeaking forlornly across the tile like a cry of surrender. God, he’d have to take so much  _ shit  _ for this. He could already hear Mustang’s groaning over having to put whatever he was doing on hold to help some kid with his  _ homework _ . Shame pooled in his belly like a toxic sludge, knowing that with every dumb question he asked was only another reminder to everyone that he really,  _ really  _ shouldn’t be here.

There were enough jokes going around Command at his expense as it was. He knew Mustang got them too, soldiers generally taking poorly to a bunch of bookworms getting to hop ranks just because of their ‘freaky demon magic,’ but he would far prefer being a  _ dog  _ like Roy than being the state’s  _ puppy.  _ He wasn’t some stray they’d let in out of the rain, he’d earned his right to be here just like anyone else, but no one else ever seemed to see it that way. Like his schoolteacher who would laugh at the idea of him ever making something of himself as a researcher, these men would cackle like wild dogs at the thought of this  _ pup  _ being anything other than Colonel Mustang’s cute little shadow.

_ “My shadow? Hmf. He’s just smart enough to know who around here’s worth following.” _

Ed perked up at the memory. That was something the colonel had said the last time someone had teased Ed for riding his superior’s coattails like a lost child. Roy had sounded so pleased, like he could tell the other men were  _ jealous  _ that Ed had latched onto someone that wasn’t them. Like Ed wasn’t a dumb parasite, but a desirable protege. An honor to have trailing behind him like a loyal pet. He had put his arm around Ed’s shoulders like he was proud to show him off, like he wanted them to be seen together.

It made his face feel hot to think about, the corners of his dry lips twitching upward in a smile he doesn’t quite commit to. He wasn’t used to that sort of attention from anyone. He knew people loved him, even if he didn’t know why, but even the affections of close family friends felt more begrudging than anything else. They would put aside his less desirable traits and love him despite them.

This was different. The same way alchemy books were different from school primers.

Some words will shift and sway beneath your fingers, but some will stay steadfast in place. Because they’re not trivial verses for memorizing or hollow values to simulate calculation.

Ed was smart enough to know who was worth following, and he followed because he knew they had something to say. The colonel knew that about him, appreciated that about him. The colonel knew that, and appreciated that, because the colonel was smart too. He was smart enough to see in Ed what some knuckleheaded second lieutenant never would. He had seen it the moment he’d first laid eyes on him. Seen that Ed was different. Ed had known it too, but it had never been a good thing. He was different in ways that made school hard, in ways that earned him the name “Edweird,” and in ways that made stupid little forms into big, stupid problems, yes. But he was different in a way that made Roy take notice. Different in a way that made him someone he wanted to keep around. Different in a way that made him smart enough to know who to follow.

He swallowed thickly, gathering the papers off his desk in a shaking hand. Teacher had a way of being… harsh with him. She said she didn’t believe in spoiling children. If he got some stupid quip from Roy for needing to ask him about paperwork, it was probably because he didn’t believe in spoiling him either. He didn’t want him getting  _ complacent. _

Because he knew Ed was smart.

He knew he could do it on his own if he had the right information.

Ed shook his head clear of any last bits of nervousness, the tail of his braid smacking lightly against his flushed cheeks. He needed to ask a couple questions, but that wasn’t bad. That didn’t make him stupid, nor would it make the colonel hate him forever. Teacher said questions were good. Questions meant you were paying attention, they meant you wanted to know more. That’s initiative. That’s drive. In layman’s terms, that was called  _ giving a shit  _ , and it was usually considered a pretty good practice around the workplace.

With a shaky hold on his courage, Ed crept towards the colonel’s office door. He really hadn’t had that many one-on-one conversations with the man yet. At the very least, the colonel’s adjutant was usually present, and on Ed’s side, Alphonse. Maybe it would be a more positive learning experience with just the two of them, with none of the dramatics and formalities that came with company. That sounded nice.

He shouldered the door open softly, staring down at the page in his hand and trying to find the part of the form that had confused him. He didn’t want to be fumbling over his papers while he was trying to explain why he needed to interrupt the colonel’s important work.

“Uh, hey, Colonel, I just had a—”

_ “For Christ’s sake—” _

Ed looked up in time to see the Colonel fumble his arms around her, as if to protect her from him, and Ed stumbled backwards as if he was being attacked. She let out a squeak of surprise, her hands leaving his sides in an instant to fumble over her blouse, a string of curses on her lips.

He took in the scene factually, in points of interest before being able to put it together all at once. As clues, as key pieces of information, as the structural points of an array of professional tragedy.

Roy was not alone. There was a second person in the room with him.

Not in the way the lieutenant stayed in the room with him. This was different. This woman was not standing at his side. She was in front of him, but this was not a standard report. She was not in front of the desk, she was on it. Leaning back against it, practically sitting on it. Facing him, facing the windows, facing the city. There was no professional distance between them.

Ed knew her, and Ed did not know her. Which is to say, he didn’t need to know her to know who she was, because she looked like every other woman in her position. She was in uniform, but not  _ the  _ uniform. She worked here, but not  _ in here.  _ Records, maybe. Information desk. Secretary. One of those cute girls they keep at the front entrance, so the soldiers have something pretty to wake up to, something to hope for.

Her jacket was on the sofa, her pencil skirt gathered at her waist.

Her hands had been on him, Ed remembered that clearly. His hands were still on her, Ed could see that clearly. The colonel stood between her thighs, shielding her with his arms, holding her close to him. Very close.

His jacket was on the chair, his belt hanging loosely from his hips, his face bright and shining with sweat.

He wasn’t looking at her anymore, he was looking at Ed.

And Ed didn’t have to be an adult to know he was not supposed to be here.

“ _ I’m sorry—”  _ He squeaked like a startled mouse, turning away from the scene in an instant. His metal hand was locked tight around the doorknob, his mind racing and his heart threatening to beat out of his chest. This was bad, this was so, so, so,  _ so  _ bad.

“I thought you said we were the only ones here,” she hissed, directing her rage at Roy instead of Ed, something Ed hoped wouldn’t come back to bite him.

“I thought we were!” he responded, clearly exasperated. Ed could hear the sound of clothing rustling and buckles clicking. The rational, logical part of him knew to shut the door, but it seemed like he’d forgotten how to work his limbs, mechanical or otherwise. He stood frozen in the entryway, eyes locked on the floor, face red up to his ears and chest heaving with shaky breaths. “It’s fine, I’ll go talk to him, it’ll be fine.”

_ Oh  _ God,  _ please don’t talk about it.  _ Ed wouldn’t even know where to  _ start. _

He remained shocked-still in the doorway even while he heard his commanding officer’s stream of muttered curses and heavy footfalls coming towards him. He squeezed his eyes shut, prepping for impact. He was expecting a hard, hot hand to come cracking across the back of his skull and every muscle in his body was tightened in terrified anticipation.

A hand did come, but it was far from violent. He felt the man’s hand on his shoulder and Ed jumped at the touch, flinching away from what he thought was most certainly a grab.

“Hey, easy there,” the colonel’s voice was soft, filled with concern. Ed’s eyes opened slowly, still fixed on the floor, as if the tiles were going to give him some advice on what to do in this awful,  _ awful  _ situation. Roy replaced his hand on Ed’s shoulder, his palm warm, the touch gentle, and his other hand met Ed’s at the doorknob. He guided it smoothly and Ed let himself be led, pulling the door shut softly behind them and leaving them alone in the empty office.

Ed got one last look at the woman on the desk, shaking out her loose cinnamon curls while her fingers fumbled over blouse buttons.  _ Important business.  _ That’s what she was.

Roy’s voice was filled with an awkward half-laughter, like this was some sort of chance meeting between old friends. “Jeez, kid, you almost gave me a heart attack…”

_ He  _ almost gave  _ Roy  _ a heart attack? Ed thought he was going to die on the spot, what did  _ Roy  _ have to be scared of?

“I-I… I’m sorry…” Ed sputtered instinctively, not quite sure what he was apologizing for yet. It just felt like the right thing to do. Something his mother would’ve wanted him to say.

“No, it’s okay, you didn’t know,” Roy reassured him, and Ed felt some of the tension ease out of his body. Was he actually  _ not mad?  _ No way. No  _ way  _ Ed was getting off this easy. “But you might wanna learn how to knock, huh? You gave me quite a scare!”

Roy laughed and it almost sounded genuine. Like he wanted them both to think this was funny.

Ed pulled his gaze from the floor, staring up at Roy with wide, uncertain eyes, but no words would come. He didn’t know what he was supposed to say in this situation. He’d already apologized. Twice.

“Hey, Ed, you okay? You’re looking a little shaken too.”

The colonel never called him by his first name. Ever.

“Oh, uh… Yeah…” Ed stammered, nodding as if that would make the statement more true. “I, uh… I just sorta, like... yeah…”

His eyes fell to the floor again, not even sure where that sentence was going in the first place. He swore he could hear the buzzing of an empty line in his head, like the operator in charge of connecting his mind to his mouth had given up and gone home for the day.

Roy snorted and this time Ed could feel it really was genuine. Something about that had been amusing to him. “Yeah, how do you think I feel?”

Ed got a punch on the arm for his troubles, but it was not punishing or professional. It was friendly. Like they were friends. Like this was what friends do.

“I…” Ed started, but found his words failing him again. “I didn’t… know… you were doing that…”

“I didn’t think so. I never took you for a peeping tom type.”

The words made Ed’s body feel hot. “I-I really didn’t, though!”

“I’m sure! I know you didn’t mean anything by it, so let’s just keep this between us, alright?” Roy smiled at him. This time, Ed couldn’t tell if it was ‘almost genuine’ or the real thing. He put his hands on Ed’s shoulders. It felt like he trusted him. “You’re smart, I’m sure I don’t even have to tell you that. You can keep a secret for me, right?”

Ed was nodding before he was even certain he’d processed the question. He’d learned just to say yes when men with stars on their shoulders started asking things of him.

With a desperate want to ease the alieness of the situation, Ed’s lips were moving on their own, golden eyes flicking to the door as if he wanted to stare through it. “I-is she your girlfriend...?”

Roy looked surprised at the question. “Ah, well… Maybe not in so many words.”

“But... you’re dating? So you… do this with her… a lot?”

“I see her…” Roy cocked his head back and forth, as if weighing possible answers on their validity. Ed thought this seemed like a simple yes or no question. “...Occasionally.”

“...So she’s not your girlfriend…”

“...She’s a friend,” Roy replied, with a sense of finality. “A friend that I care about very much. And I wouldn’t want anything bad happening to her because of me. You understand, don’t you?”

This time, Ed was slow to respond. He wanted to know what he was agreeing to.

“Yeah, I think…” Ed said quietly, unable to shake the odd pool of discomfort that gathered in his belly. He didn’t know a lot about the rules of the command center, but he could tell from the firm grip Roy held on his shoulders that this was an incredibly bad situation they’d all been put in. An incredibly bad situation that Roy seemed to understand more intimately than Ed did. Which meant he did all this knowingly. He had weighed the pros of success against the cons of being caught.

He had weighed his career against a lunch break with someone who wasn’t even his girlfriend.

She was just a  _ friend. _

“So you’re okay, then?” Roy’s voice was sympathetic, but Ed didn’t know who he was sympathetic for. The question implied he worried about Ed, but with what had happened, it was entirely possible he was worrying about his… friend. Or himself, really. Ed didn’t think he could blame him for that. “Must’ve been a helluva sight.”

“I didn’t see anything!” Ed was quick to deny, hands balled into fists like he was willing to fight over it. He heard paper crumple in his hand and looked down to see the stack of papers begin to wrinkle and crease in his fist. God. He hadn’t even asked about those. And now how could he?

“Ah, there we go! That’s what I like to see!” Roy praised, his hand leaving Ed’s shoulder to tousle his bangs. It felt familiar. It felt warm. But Ed wasn’t sure if it felt genuine anymore. “See? I knew you were smart.”

_ Smart enough to know who to follow. _

“...I think…” Ed began awkwardly. “...I think the rest of the unit said they’d be back soon…”

“I’m sure,” Roy said, baring his teeth uncomfortably like this was a truth he didn’t want to face. He glanced at the clock, clearly unhappy with what he saw, and then back to Ed. “Do you wanna go cool down for a second while I handle things here?”

“Cool down...?”

“Go take a walk. We can talk about it later, okay?” Roy instructed simply, finally taking his hands away. “I’m sorry about all this, kid. It’s a lot to put on you. But I know you won’t let me down.”

He couldn’t really disagree now. He’d already promised.

“I won’t, sir.”

“Alright. Go on. Maybe splash some water on your face, you look like you’re about to melt.”

_ Oh jeez, was he still that red? _

Roy waved him off and turned back to his office, shutting the door behind him and leaving Ed standing by himself.

Ed should listen to his superiors. He’s been told that before. Probably a hundred thousand times at this point. He should listen to his parents, to his teachers, to his superior officers, and to any adult who cares enough to tell him to stop doing something before he hurts himself. But he was never very good at following instructions.

He stayed put. He didn’t know why.

He wanted to see her, hear her, he supposed.

He wanted to see what was worth all this.

“Who was that?” Ed could hear her voice through the door now, if he strained his ears. He crept as quietly as he could, resting an ear against the wood. “You got a kid you’re not telling me about?”

“What?  _ God  _ no,” Roy sounded like the thought might make him gag. “He’s just a subordinate. I guess you wouldn’t really see him over in the record rooms, would you?”

“He’s a little  _ young  _ to be a subordinate, Roy.”

_ She calls him Roy,  _ a part of Ed noted. Another part answered,  _ Why wouldn’t she? _

“Yeah. It’s crazy who they’ll give that watch to these days,” Roy replied, and Ed felt his stomach lurch. “They’ve got him on field research. Real smart kid. Just a shame he’d wind up here.”

“Someone should really be keeping an eye on him.”

Ed could barely make out what he thought was a breathy laugh. “I think that’s supposed to be  _ me.” _

“Then what are you doing in here?”

“Well, if I’m out there, who’s keeping an eye on  _ you?” _

_ Alright. That’s enough of that. _

Ed pulled away from the door, scowling. Gross. Adults were gross. This was gross. And listening made him feel even grosser.

That walk Roy mentioned suddenly sounded really damn nice.

**. . .**

Ed hadn’t planned on abandoning the workday so soon. It just kind of happened. He’d left the stupid busywork on his desk and had already accepted that he was probably going to get an earful about it later. The colonel had said they’d talk about “this,” whatever “this” was, later too. Ed’s life had a lot of “laters” right now.

He’d taken the colonel’s advice on that walk. He was calling it “advice” because he didn’t want to think that he was obeying that man’s commands even now. That he was still shadowing, even when he was a mile away from Command.

It shouldn’t bug him. There was really no reason to linger on something that everyone else would forget about by tomorrow. He probably wasn’t even the first person to have seen him do something like that. It was a passing moment of awkwardness, it was over the instant it began. There were men in that building—  _ hell  _ a couple of them worked in that  _ room  _ with him— who probably would’ve just congratulated Roy and went right back to business as usual. Ed really shouldn’t even be thinking about it any more. It wasn’t a big deal. It wasn’t a big deal at all.

He kicked a stray rock in his path, listening to it clatter and clack across the cobblestone streets and knock against the gutter with a metallic clang. It was… embarrassment, that’s all. It would pass. This warmth that rested in his belly like molten lead was just pubescent shame, the hole left by his now-shattered innocence.

Initially, he’d thought the route from the command to the inn he and Al were holed up in for the next two weeks was longer than he would’ve liked. No fancy hotels in the heart of town this time, they needed cheaper accommodations for longer stays. The commute may be murder on his stumps, but now it gave him ample time to think. He did this back home too, though his Gran had never called it “thinking” the way he preferred. She called it “moping” on a good day and “pouting” on a bad one. He claimed he didn’t need the distance, he just thought better on his feet. Thought better moving. It just so happened that moving tended to take him  _ away. _

East City still felt big to him, though he had heard other officers at the Command complaining about being stuck “out in the sticks.” That was fine by him. He’d take the sticks over the stones of an  _ actual  _ metropolis. His one trip to Central to tour the alchemical laboratories there had been physically and emotionally exhausting, like he had to run to keep up with anyone. It didn’t help that he’d learned the hard way that cars made him ill. You know what made for a  _ great  _ first impression? Stepping out of the car they’d sent to the station to pick you up because you can’t drive yet and immediately losing half your lunch at the feet of the General who was going to own your life for the foreseeable future. That was just  _ awesome.  _ He hadn’t even been allowed to take Alphonse with him, which had broken both their hearts. Al because he wanted to see the capital city, Ed because he really,  _ really  _ didn’t.

...God, what was he going to tell Alphonse?

He couldn’t tell him the truth about why he’d come back early, Al was way too young to hear about anything like that. And he’d probably go out of his way to scold his older brother about a  _ proper work ethic  _ or something when he found out he’d left without permission, because doesn’t Alphonse  _ always  _ have to be  _ right  _ about things…

He got to the street their inn was on faster than the thought he would. He wasn’t sure he was done pou— _ thinking  _ yet. A little voice in his head told him to just pass it by, go for another lap and see how he felt about it later. Go exploring. Go somewhere he shouldn’t. Get in a fight. That’d feel good.

He didn’t trust himself not to do something stupid. With his luck, he’d get himself lost in this big dumb town and they’d find him two weeks from now, rambling and starved half to death in alley, drinking his own piss to survive.

He’d have to face his brother at some point anyway. Might as well get it out of the way.

Dragging himself down the block, he tried to shake his head loose of any more weird, mopey thoughts but found the task much easier said than done. He didn’t acknowledge the polite greeting from the woman at the front desk as he trudged towards the stairs and forced himself up them. His automail leg clanked against the sturdy steps, motors whirring away quietly while his mind seemed to chug like a steam engine. Round and round, in endless circles, like the miniature mechanical trains in the bright, cheerful windows of toy shops that Ed had to force himself not to look at.

He had stopped to stare only once, marvelling at all the little trinkets and gizmos that whirred and whizzed with the same pistons and gears that kept him upright. He couldn’t imagine how pricey those sort of things were— It was certainly nothing they could have afforded back home. The new century was an amazing place, though he’d learned the hard way that getting distracted by playthings was not that most… militaristic of activities. At that time, he’d been so captivated he almost hadn’t heard the colonel whistling for him like a faithful farmdog.

_ “What? Already trying to figure out what to spend your first paycheck on?” _

Just the thought of Roy’s stupid little smirk made Ed curl his fists in aggitation. Back then, he thought he’d never meet anyone more obnoxious and self-centered. Already teasing him when he’d only been working under him for a handful of days.

_ “Nuh-uh, I’m just looking!” _

Ed knew even then that he didn’t sound terribly convincing. He wanted to tell himself it was just the midday sun that had made his face feel hot, and not the way Roy had laughed at his defensive counter.

_ “Tell you what, you tell me about that little Instant-Alchemy trick of yours, and I’ll take you back there and you can pick out any toy you’d like.” _

_ “As if I’d tell you!” _

The older man’s arm around his shoulder should’ve felt manipulative and demeaning, wheeling him away from the window like Roy didn’t trust him not to keep walking on his own anymore. Ed had huffed and rolled his eyes like it was, but he also remembered the rush of warmth that came with physical closeness. He remembered feeling even smaller than usual by comparison, even if Roy was never necessarily the tallest or strongest man in the room at any given time. The man was an alchemist, suited better to academia than to militia, but that gave him the edge of approachability where most others around him were falling short…

The moment he pushed open the door to their room, Ed was called from his thoughts.

“Brother?” Alphonse’s voice rang out from somewhere within his steel body, the armor’s helmet picking up at the sound of their room door. He turned to the clock on the desktop beside his silent form. “What are you doing here? Hey— You’re not playing hooky are you? Brother, you can’t do that!”

“Colonel sent me home,” Ed half-lied, refusing to look Alphonse in the sights. The singular room shared between the two of them felt smaller than usual. “Not feeling well.”

“Huh? Is it more of those aches again? Brother, I think you should really mention that to Granny, maybe she’d know what to do about it...”

Was Al’s voice always so  _ grating? _

“I’m  _ fine,  _ it’s just my stomach. They don’t want me hurling on anything.”

“You’re throwing up? Are you sure you’re okay? I could—”

“I’ll be  _ fine,  _ I’m just gonna go… wait and see if anything else comes back up…” Ed said, trying to put a little distance between himself and his sibling by ducking into the bathroom. He didn’t really wanna have to try and explain himself right now. 

“...I’ll bring you some water, okay?”

Ed’s right hand froze over the doorknob. Before he’d gotten used to the automail, he had a bad habit of crushing knobs in his hands without realizing it. He remembered getting an earful from his grandmother about shattering the lovely glass doorknob on the bathroom door. “No, I just… I think I just need a little peace and quiet.”

“Oh… Well, I’ll be here! Just lemme know if you need anything, okay?”

“...Yeah,” Ed muttered, trying to offer his little brother a reassuring smile. “I’ll be fine.”

He pushed his way into the washroom and pulled the door closed behind him, trying to be gentle enough not to dent the metal knob. It was hard to keep his hand under control when he felt frazzled. That was his mother’s word for it.  _ Frazzled  _ . 

His first instinct was to slam both fists against the counter and scream. Throw a tantrum. Another one of his mother’s words. Usually it was a phrase he detested, loathed even, as he saw it diminutive to his perfectly reasonable rage at the injustices of childhood, but today it felt apt. He was not making a case for himself, he was not giving his mother that facts about the situation that she was simply too ignorant to understand, there was no explaining, and he was not in trouble for anything. This was not a schoolyard fight, this was not a brotherly scrap. This was a hot, boiling betrayal that was melting through him like a pool of molten lead. This was a child’s reaction, to spit venom and break, and break, and break, until nothing was left.

Except he couldn’t.

He couldn’t break, and he couldn’t scream, and he knew better, because he was not a child any longer. He hadn’t been for years now. He had given that up, and with it, every excuse for tantrums, fits, and outbursts.

So he laid two hands gently on the sink. He knew he could crack this countertop easily if he wasn’t careful, so he made sure each movement was measured and precise. The metal clinked delicately against the stone, his pistons winding down slowly, the thousands of tiny mechanizations that kept him functioning coming to an easy rest. He steadied his breath, head hanging over the drain.

He wasn’t thinking about Roy. He wasn’t thinking about him at all. And it was almost surprising just how truthful he could be with himself about that.

If he were thinking about Roy, he would be thinking about how warm the hands on his shoulders had been, how gentle the man’s tone, how soft his eyes. He would be delighting in being told he was trustworthy, in being told he was smart. He was Roy’s confidant now, in a way that even his adjutant may not be. That should feel like one more step to close the gap between them, one more sign Roy saw him as more of an equal than the other men of the unit.

But he was not thinking about Roy.

Even when he tried, he could not even remember what Roy’s face had looked like in the split second when Ed had walked in on them. He couldn’t even remember how he’d looked at him when he’d told him he was trustworthy, or smart, or whatever else Roy had tried to tell him that he’d only half-heard through the thundering of his own heartbeat.

Because from the moment she had entered his life, and in the exact moment she ruined it, Ed had focused entirely on  _ her. _

_ Important business. _

What made her so  _ important  _ anyway?

Ed lifted his head to meet his own golden eyes in the mirror. He looked… tired. That was the first thing he noticed. Bags under his eyes that he never had as a child, dark circles that made him look like he was recovering from a fight. He didn’t sleep like he used to. If it wasn’t aches it was pains, if it wasn’t theories it was anxieties. He didn’t remember his body ever feeling so heavy, though he was certain anyone would laugh if he tried to explain it. Of course he’d feel off balance— he was 50% steel. Ed didn’t think it was the automail that left him so unsteady. Because he knew there were days when he still felt light.

_ “My shadow? Hmph. He’s just smart enough to know who around here’s worth following.” _

That was a day he felt light.

_ “Tell you what, you tell me about that little Instant-Alchemy trick of yours, and I’ll take you back there and you can pick out any toy you’d like.” _

That was another.

Both times, he got a smile, got an ounce of recognition, got to feel a man’s arms around his shoulders, got to feel a warm glow in his aching body, and all at once, got to feel lighter, if only for a moment.

Turns out it was easier to carry a lopsided body when you had someone to lean it against.

_ “...She’s a friend. A friend that I care about very much. And I wouldn’t want anything bad happening to her because of me. You understand, don’t you?” _

He did understand. It’d taken the whole walk from the command to the inn, but he finally understood the unease that was rotting in the marrows of his bones— the skin-crawling itch of discomfort. Underneath of shame there had been something else bubbling in his guts. Something that had kept his hand locked on the doorknob when anyone else would’ve shut it and run.

Sure, she was just a  _ friend. _

But he was just a  _ subordinate. _

And as surely as he faced himself in the bathroom mirror, he was face-to-face with the reality of what it took to be considered one of Roy Mustang’s friends. It wasn’t like alchemy, and it wasn’t like paperwork. It was not something that could be taught, not something that could be built, not something that could be hunted down and brought back in a jar. It was something you had to be born with.

His blonde hair fell around his face in greased locks, a soft halo of frizz around his head. It was becoming hard to see the  _ sprinkle of cinnamon-sugar,  _ as his mother had so lovingly named the freckles across his nose, with the way his new face was blotted with red and marred with shiny zits and tiny scabs from his constant picking. It was a good thing they’d given up on bringing back the dead, his mother probably wouldn’t even recognize him like this.

Roy loved pretty things, as most men did. Lovely little dolls, soft in the right places, with big doe eyes, with big fat tits that Ed had to try very hard not to look at. Ed knew this about him, everyone knew this about him. Roy Mustang didn’t  _ do  _ subtlety. It seemed to be at the forefront of his mind at every moment— pausing conversations on the street to mutter a contextless number between one and ten, Ed never bothering to follow the man’s eyes to find out who he was ogling this time. These women would exist in his memory only as intrusive numbers.

No matter how hard he pushed, like shoving unfolded clothes into his suitcase thirty minutes before their train was supposed to depart, thoughts always continued to spring back up. This feeling he had bubbling up inside him was trapped in his throat, burning like he’d swallowed bile.

It felt nice to lean against someone, but it felt damn fucking good when it was Mustang.

And that Ed, for all his wanting and for all his wishing, was simply not a pretty thing.

The skin around his wrist and ankle was tight, his joints these thick, boney things. He was coltish, bizarrely proportioned, loud even when he wasn’t speaking, with the way he rattled and clunked like a teenage automaton. Not an inch of him was delicate, he was only soft in places he knew Roy would detest, with no fullness to his chest nor tightness to his waistline. Petite though he may be, with protruding collarbones and shoulder blades, he was simply not this man's type.

_ Important business,  _ whoever you were, Ed would never be able to forgive you for being exactly what that man wanted.

Ed brought a flesh hand to his head, feeling the pulsing in his fingers as the muscles were finally free to relax from the death grip he had held them in. He combed fingers through his bangs and watched the golden threads drop back into place, unbothered by his grooming attempts. His hair had earned him no shortage of jabs over the years. His braid invited pulling more than any girl’s pigtail. He remembered Alphonse’s face when one of the boys in Dublith asked him if he could really call himself a man when he was always clinging to his  _ sister  _ like that. The sneer that came with that comment had earned the boy the prestigious right of being tackled into the dirt, something Ed had to answer to his teacher for afterwards.

His hand followed the strands of hair to where they all gathered at the base of his skull, fingertips tracing down the ripples and ridges of his braid and coyly twisting the splitting ends around an extended digit. All hair looked and felt the same to him, but Winry had once told him she was jealous of his. Maybe that meant something. Meant something about him was desirable.

He slipped the band from the tip of his braid and shook his hair loose from its weaving. It fell over his shoulders in greased tresses— it needed washing, it felt like it always did, but he thought he already saw an improvement. Wearing it down softened him somewhat. He could do very little about the quality of his skin, or about the ever so slight crookedness of his nose from the times he’d broken it, but there were still steps that could be taken in the right direction.

Because he knew better than anyone that there were differences between alchemy books and school primers, differences between those who speak and those who recite, differences between adults and children.

And Ed  _ was  _ different. He did not belong to the world of children. That was a choice he had made knowingly, willingly.

But if he wanted to belong in Roy’s world, there were other changes that would have to be made.

**. . .**

He rapped his gloved knuckles against the front door quickly before pulling his hand back to his body, tugging his red coat tightly around himself. He kept his arms folded to his chest, holding the coat closed with an iron grip on the red fabric. He spit stray hairs from his mouth, having forgotten just how  _ annoying  _ it was to be outside with his hair down. This shit got  _ everywhere. _

It felt horribly awkward, standing on the stoop of the colonel’s townhouse all by himself in the dying hours of the day. He tried to steady his breathing, listening to the quiet mechanical hum of the arm across his chest. When it was still shiny, new, and unscuffed by his poor treatment, Winry had likened it to a pulse, the pistons pumping in time with his heart. She always spoke like this cold hunk of metal had a life of its own.

No inhabitants of the home called out from inside to let him know they’d heard him. Ed fidgeted on the stoop, wondering whether he should chance knocking again. He’d only been to the colonel’s home once before, and only very,  _ very  _ briefly, but he was pretty certain this was the right address. He’d gotten pretty good at remembering these things after helping with some of the deliveries from Teacher’s shop.

He raised his hand to knock again, but it opened without warning, Roy staring him down with a scrutinizing glare. Ed fumbled backwards, almost tumbling off the step as his hand shot back to his coat, making sure he was wrapped tightly.

“FullMetal? What are you doing here?” Roy hesitantly leaned his head out the doorway, glancing up and down the block. Ed wasn’t sure what he was looking for, but it was evident that he didn’t find it.

“I, uh… I wanted to talk to you about something...” At the look of confusion on Roy’s face, he continued. “Earlier. You said we would talk. I wanna talk now.”

“Did something happen?” Roy looked concerned.

“Nothing  _ happened  _ . I just wanna… talk...” Ed replied simply, trying to imitate the serious look that adults wore when they wanted everyone to know they weren’t leaving without getting what they wanted first.

Roy looked back into his home over one shoulder. Ed tried to lean to see around him, but stood up quickly when he saw Roy’s eyes snap back in his direction. Ed’s Serious Face returned in an instant.

“...Alright. Come on. We can talk,” Roy said, stepping aside and holding the door open for his uninvited guest. Ed was quick to respond, grateful to be off the street. Roy’s home was a long, skinny place, small rooms built one after another in succession. The first space was the most open, a small but comfortable parlor that you could tell was focused primarily on the comforts of a lone inhabitant and not one expecting to entertain many guests. On the long wall were shelves upon shelves of worn-looking leatherbound books. The last time he’d been here he’d been dying to crack open at least one, knowing they must be the sort of alchemical texts that were so  _ hard  _ to find in the east, and Roy had let him. It was like Christmas had come early, getting to lay his greasy little fingers all over another alchemist’s collection. Ed knew that once all this was over and he and Al had their bodies returned to normal, he wanted a home library just like this— no,  _ twice  _ this size.

Roy closed the door behind him and sighed, calling into the rest of the house, “Elizabeth? Company.”

Ed froze in the walkway, inadvertently trapping Roy against the door. From the entry he could see the small doorway into the kitchen and hear the sound of boots clicking against linoleum tiles. 

“Company?” A friendly face appeared in the kitchen doorway. Strawberry blonde with soft, peach lips that curved into a bright smile at the sight of him. She looked young, definitely younger than Roy was. “Oh! Hello there!”

“Would you mind fixing drinks?” Roy asked, leading Ed further into the house with an arm around his shoulders. Today it felt heavy. “See if I have anything, uh… _ age-appropriate  _ for the kid.”

“Yessir!”

The woman disappeared back into the kitchen and Ed could hear the sounds of cupboards being opened and rifled through. He felt a prodding finger pushing into his chest and he stiffened in Roy’s grasp.

“Y’know, you could learn a thing or two from watching her,” Roy jeered playfully. Ed’s stomach flipped, but he attempted not to show it. He nervously pulled his coat tighter around himself. “Not everyone has such a hard time with  _ respect _ .”

“...’She another one of your  _ friends _ ?”

If Roy picked up on the disgust in Ed’s voice, he did not show it.

“Oh, Elizabeth? Nah, she’s just here to do the washing,” The corners of Roy’s mouth twitched upward into a knowing smirk, his voice dropping to a low whisper so only Ed could hear it. “But she is a doll, isn’t she? Can you believe the luck?  _ So  _ nice to come home to a pretty thing.”

His expression soured and he made sure Roy knew it. Roy didn’t seem to mind it at all, his shoulders shaking with quiet chuckles before he released the boy.

“When you get too old for  _ Granny  _ to keep doing all the washing for you, you’ll understand the value of a woman, FullMetal.”

_ Jeez  _ . If he ever tried bringing  _ that  _ sort of thinking home, he would be considered damn lucky to be sent out for a switch instead of having to take his beating with whatever wrench was at hand.

The colonel didn’t seem to be taking Ed’s presence very seriously. Did he even remember what happened? Why was he acting so calm? And allowing some  _ housekeeper  _ to keep paling around when his  _ subordinate  _ was asking for his attention…

“Where’d you get off to anyway, kid?” Roy asked, dropping comfortably onto the sofa and kicking a boot up onto the coffee table. It was so weird seeing his CO out of uniform. He looked like any East City bachelor now, collar unbuttoned and sleeves rolled to his elbows. Real nice watch too, though Ed wondered why Roy would bother with expensive timepieces when the state gave them such a nifty one just for showing up. Seemed like a waste of money. “I know I told you to walk it off, but I didn’t think I’d have to remind you to come  _ back  _ when you were done. We were getting worried maybe you’d been pulled off the streets or something. I had to cover for you, you know.”

Ed kept his eyes on the kitchen door, only half-listening to Roy’s story.

“I got you an extension on those forms, by the way. The first lieutenant was  _ livid.  _ She was going on about how she’d even given them to you ahead of time and they were just left on your desk. I handled it. I’ve got some, ah…” Roy’s tone was bright, pleased with himself. “  _ Friends  _ , down in Records who were willing to let it slide. They’ll go easy on you for the first offense, especially since you’re considered a  _ special case.  _ No need to thank me this time, but let’s not make this a habit of yours, alright?”

“ _ Colonel—  _ ” Ed began, but snapped his mouth shut as the woman returned with a tray.

“I couldn’t find anything nice for you, sweetheart,” She spoke directly to Ed this time, with an apologetic smile. “If you want tea, I can put the kettle on.”

“I’m fine, thank you…” Ed muttered out, not sounding nearly as grateful as his words implied. She set two glasses of water on the table and one short glass of something dark that Ed assumed was the less “age-appropriate” option.

“You’re an  _ angel  _ , Elizabeth,” Roy beamed at her. A shudder passed through Ed’s body, his jaw setting so tightly he thought his teeth might crack. He could not stand sharing a room with this woman for one more instant. “Oh, FullMetal, you can si—”

“ _ Send her away  _ .”

Ed’s voice was strained through gritted teeth, his fingers curling even tighter around his jacket, holding it as close to his person as he could.

“Huh?” Roy turned back to him, confused by the sudden demand.

“I said  _ send her away.  _ ”

Roy’s dark eyes narrowed, though Ed could not tell if they were conveying intrigue or disgust.

“...What for?”

“B-because…” Ed stood up straighter, hoping that steeling his nerves would steady his voice. “Because I have important business with you, Mustang!”

The words hung in the air for a moment. Roy raised both eyebrows, looking Ed over as if searching for the punchline. 

“...Elizabeth. What time are you coming by tomorrow?” Roy asked over one shoulder, not taking his eyes off of Ed.

“Ah, usually I try to be here at six, sir.”

“Make it five,” Roy’s voice was tight like he was suppressing a groan. “Get your things and go. This is a military matter now.”

The woman went ramrod straight, face flushing.

“Of course, sir.”

Ed conceded silently, releasing the invisible grip he held on the room. His stance relaxed as he took a step back to remove himself from the townhouse’s main walkway. They were small gestures, but they made him feel like he’d shrunk three inches. He’d had his time commanding the space and now it was Roy’s turn to play the part of the home ruler.

Ed watched critically as this so-called “doll” hastened to gather the few things she’d left out. He listened to her gentle attempts to explain what work was left unfinished before she realized that Roy didn’t seem to care, Ed left feeling a slightly cruel sense of joy at the sight of the discomfort the adults in the room were in. She, a pretty thing, and Roy, an unwilling babysitter who had just been tasked with sorting out his ward’s tantrum.

Always a gentleman, Roy showed her to the door. Ed heard him apologize, Ed heard her apologize back. He didn’t think either of them had anything to apologize for, but it was nice to know that, even in some odd, roundabout way, he had the power to pry apologies from Roy’s lips. The goodbyes were short and simple. Ed wondered if that’s how they always were, or if the two of them preferred to linger.

Roy kept a kind smile until the moment the front door closed. It dropped like a sandbag from his face, any semblance of cheer being replaced with a tired, sullen expression. He turned his attention to Edward, hand still on the doorknob, dark eyes portraying nothing but deep, unmissable displeasure. Ed felt his stomach flip.

“I hope you have a good reason for bothering me in my off hours.”

Honestly? Ed hoped so too.

“I told you it was important, didn’t I?”

“You said it was  _ business _ . That waits until  _ tomorrow,  _ ” Roy released his hold on the door. For the second time that day, Ed wondered if his commanding officer was above hitting a teenager, but instead of coming at him, Roy moved towards the couch. As he passed it, he snapped his fingers and pointed at the lone armchair. “Sit.”

Ed did not obey. He stood with his back to the bookcase, his coat pulled tightly around himself and his eyes searching the room for something to focus on. His confidence in his plan was dwindling...

Roy stopped, staring at him.

“Oh, so now you’re clamming up?”

“... _ You  _ sit.”

The scoff Roy let out was one of disbelieving laughter and spite. “Ah—  _ no.  _ I am not taking orders from you. Not in my own damn house. You come here and you tell me what this is about.”

Ed shifted his weight uncomfortably, listening to the metal plates of his leg brush against one another beneath thin fabric. Roy studied him more carefully, the way he stood, the way he held himself.

“Do you have something?” Roy asked him the same way you’d ask a dog when you heard unexplainable chewing. “FullMetal. Show me.”

Ed gathered up what of his courage hadn’t been spent just forcing himself to walk all the way here and demand Roy kick out his housekeeper without reason. He lifted his chin and tightened his jaw, crossing the room with stubborn intent until he could stand before his commanding officer properly. The older man cocked an eyebrow at his behavior, attempting to guess what Ed was plotting.

Without waiting to hear any quips or questions that may snuff out his sparks of bravery, Ed released his hold on his jacket, moving his mismatched hands to his hips and letting the red cape flutter behind him.

“... _ Oh.  _ ”

_ There.  _ That  _ was the reaction Ed was looking for.  _

Ed tried to force down his smirk, watching Roy’s eyes scan him. His expression was equal parts humored and confused, his brows knitted together, his jaw hanging open in an oafish grin.

“Uh, FullMetal, what is this…?”

If he opened his mouth to speak, Ed thought he might vomit. Never in a million, trillion years would he have imagined himself in this scenario. Never in a million, trillion years would  _ Al  _ have imagined him in this scenario, and Al knew him  _ much  _ better than he knew himself.

Thin black stockings made his legs feel cold and exposed, and when he bent his knee you could see the sheen of the automail beneath the material. It felt tight, but not constricting. Especially compared to his normal clothes. The tightness around his legs contrasted the looseness at his hips, the odd fluttering of fabrics that almost spooked him with the way they brushed against his thigh or lifted when he walked. He understood now why women moved so differently than men. Skirts took a talent he simply didn’t have.

For a hasty transmutation built on very,  _ very  _ little garment knowledge, Ed was proud of his work. He didn’t know what was necessarily…  _ in  _ for girls his age, but he supposed Winry probably did, so he’d tried to think about the sort of things she always wore. He assumed, based solely on his grandmother’s opinions of such fashion choices, that they would be suitably short for Roy’s tastes.

The result was a neat row of shiny black pleats all gathered around his waist, fluttering delicately around lithe hips and scrawny legs. It felt… airy. Vulnerable. Even knowing he was lugging around two mechanical limbs, a part of him felt demure. Dainty in ways he wasn’t used to feeling. He had to resist the urge to remove a gloved hand from his hip to tug at the front of the garment.

“...’Heard you’d chase anything in a skirt.”

Despite his grin, Roy was offering no spoken verdict, and that was starting to make Ed nervous. He swallowed thickly, his mouth sticky and his tongue feeling mired to its bed. Ed guessed that if by nothing else, the man was delighted by the sheer  _ balls.  _ Roy was chuckling, but Ed wasn’t sure if that meant he was gearing up for the verbal takedown of the century or if he was genuinely amused that, just for once,  _ he  _ had been the one caught off-guard. 

“...You mean to say this is for me?”

“Well, it wasn’t for  _ her  _ , that’s for damn sure.”

Roy chewed his lip through his smirk and turned away, clearly trying to process the situation.

“...FullMetal, you know I can’t do that.”

“Has that stopped you before?” Ed said, suddenly realizing he had reached the end of his master plan. That meant, as always, it was time to improvise. He’d come this far. There was no turning back now.

“...This is a little different,”  _ You mean  _ I’m  _ a little different.  _ “Very,  _ very  _ different, actually.”

“Then treat me like someone different.”

Roy’s eyes were back on him, quietly taking in the request.

“Don’t treat me like a subordinate and I won’t be one. If you don’t want me as a boy, you can have me as a girl. We’re not at work and we won’t act like it,” Ed took in a small breath, feeling the weight of his request settle into his body. “I don’t have to be one of your friends. You don’t have to care if something bad happens to me because of you. You can treat me like you don’t even know me.”

The scoff from Roy’s lips was difficult to read. His head shook, but it didn’t look like he was denying Ed anything quite yet. “You know that’s not going to change anything.”

“It’ll make it easier,” Ed offered simply, a hand sneaking to the pleated hem of his skirt. Roy’s eyes flicked down, observing the motion carefully. Ed had studied this man enough to know this was a habit of his. It would be wrong to call him jumpy, he never jumped, he never did anything more than watch. Watch and predict.

Knowing every hand and foot in the room, understanding every movement, anticipating what comes next.

It must be tiring.

He tugged nervously at his skirt. He should’ve made it longer, but with the limited materials coupled with his own ignorance, it turned out being an alchemical tailor was still a bit out of his range. He felt exposed, but he supposed that was the point. He was cute now, he was inviting. That’s what it meant to be a girl.

“I’m a smart kid, Roy,” Ed spoke softly, kept his steps light as he closed the distance between them. There was no order to halt, no call to attention, no demand for obedience. Roy was allowing him in. “I can keep a secret.”

Ed was close enough to smell the strange, chemical scent that men had hiding under their cologne, something that reminded him of hospitals, of funerals. Leather, musk, warmth, approachability, and a particular clinical coldness that Ed associated with stilled breaths and needles.

Roy’s hands found Ed’s waist, their weight resting against the subtle boning of his hips. His fingers wandered the valleys of Ed’s midriff slowly, reverently, like he was studying him, but this was not about calculation or anticipation. Roy’s lingering was almost curious, wondering how much of Ed he was allowed to hold before the boy was reduced to cinders.

“...You are a pretty little thing, aren’t you?” Roy’s question did not demand an answer. It was the same voice Ed knew his mother had used with him, a tone of one who has resigned to loving something.  _ What am I going to do with you? _

“...I won’t let you down,” Ed whispered, staring up at a man he felt sure was going to fold. “I promise.”

Roy sighed, releasing his hold on Ed’s waist. For a moment, Ed thinks that’s it. He could not break him, and this would all just be one more penny in the trauma jar of his hellish adolescence. The step Roy took away from him felt like the earth itself had cracked open between them, and Ed could only watch as another tragedy played out in front of him. Ed watches as Roy crosses back over to the coffee table and bends down to lift the glass of dark-colored liquid to his lips. He downs it in one go.

“Did you walk all the way over here like that?” Roy asked, staring into the empty glass in his hand. Despite being the only one left in the room, it took Ed a moment to realize he was the one being spoken to.

“Uh, y-yeah?”

“Does your brother know?”

“D’you think I’d tell him about  _ this?  _ ”

“I’m just making certain,” Roy said, taking a seat on the couch and setting the glass down. He leaned back into the cushions, his eyes giving Ed a once-over before he patted his thigh. “Come here. Let me see you.”

Ed felt a tingling of heat spread across his face at the request, the tips of his ears thankfully hidden behind his loose blonde locks. It had taken a great burst of courage to get this far, but now that he was faced with following through, he felt like he wanted to pull up his hood and hide. Lowering his gaze pensively, he did as he was told, stepping softly out of his boots and watching his stocking feet tread lightly across the floorboards until he could stand by the man’s side. Roy’s hands guided him onto his lap, his lips tight but his eyes inspecting Ed’s body hungrily. Ed had seen that look before. It reminded him of the way Winry was with watches and radios. She wanted to take them apart, she wanted to see how they were put together, she wanted to understand how they worked.

“So, little lady,” the words made Ed flush, his fists curling around the hem of his skirt while the man spoke. He wasn’t used to being called a girl and not immediately punching whoever said it. Even if he’d done it of his own free will, something about hearing it aloud was still humiliating. The way Roy spoke wasn’t helping matters. Passive, removed, like Ed was more an object of curiosity than anything else, like Roy just wanted to see what Ed might do in this situation. “Did you have anything in mind?”

“I-I…” Ed began, realizing that he really, really didn’t. “I want you to... kiss me…”

It was all he could think of.

“Oh?” Roy asked, cocking his head, seemingly amused by the request. “Is that all? I think I can do that for you.”

Ed squeezed his eyes shut, feeling a warm hand on his face pulling him in closer. For his troubles, he received the touch of two soft lips against his cheek, and was released.

“How was that?” He asked, his voice tinged with humor. Ed felt ashamed for even asking.

“No,” Ed corrected, trying to force back the pout he knew he was wearing. “Like, like a, uh…” He fumbled for the words. “...Like a  _ real  _ kiss.”

Roy hummed softly, thinking over the request. His hands were back on Ed’s body, exploring. His waist, his hips, sizing him up. Ed felt like this man could see through him somehow, see straight through his clothes, even straight through his skin if he wanted to.

“Well, well, would you look at that,” Roy’s voice was playful, kindly. Ed hadn’t even heard the punchline, but he felt a small smile tug at the corners of his mouth. “A woman who actually knows what she wants. I should take a picture, really make this moment last.”

It wasn’t funny. It wasn’t! If his family heard him chuckling at such a stupid line, they’d be  _ ripping  _ his ungrateful ports off. He’d be lucky if they left him enough to  _ crawl  _ with.

Against his better judgment, Ed’s shoulders were shaking in quiet delight. He liked when Roy joked with him, treated him like he was one of the men and not some misplaced grade-schooler. Now, he was being treated like one of the man’s  _ friends,  _ but… even that was not entirely unwelcome. It was still closeness. Just a new kind of closeness.

And Ed was finding out, as Roy raised his hands to his cheeks, that he was so, so hungry for that.

Something about Roy made him happy, made him happy to be seen when everyone else made him feel scabbed, scarred, and blotchy. The shallowest man on earth seemed unbothered by a coltish, disproportioned, mismatched body. He did not see scratches and steel. Ed didn’t know what he saw in their place, but he knew it must be something on the inside, something that outweighed all the bad on the outside.

Sweetly, chastely, Ed received his first kiss that counted. A schoolyard dare meant nothing now. That belonged in the world of children, the world of primers. This was real life, this was real love.

He came away from it giggling, blushing unabashedly.

“Is that all I can do you for, Miss?”

“C-can I have another?”

He begged for kisses like candy. He got another on his lips, was surprised when one landed on his jawline instead of his cheek, purred when another found his neck, keened as they paved their way down his veins and left pinkish teeth-marks along his collarbone. That was a new kind of kiss, but it too, was not unwelcome. It was very adult, very mature. Roy had kept his nibbling light, ticklish, and Ed almost hated it for its cruel subtlety. He wished Roy would bite down, he wished he would leave something that wouldn’t fade in five minutes. A brand like that would feel like a badge of courage. A mark of manhood, even if he’d had to cheat a little to get it.

“You are  _ insatiable  _ ,” Roy chided in a mock-stern voice, drinking in the way Ed squirmed into, not away from, every touch. Like a puppy begging to be petted, wiggling under his palm in search of warmth and affection. “Daddy hasn’t been keeping a very good eye on his pretty baby, now has he?”

Ed shook his head, grinning. “Nah, Daddy’s a dick.”

Roy pretended to be aghast. “What a mouth on you! I can’t believe I kissed something so filthy.”

Ed laughed, enjoying himself genuinely. It had been too long since he could say there was not an ounce of regret in his indulgence. If there was one good thing he could get out of this mess, why shouldn’t he be allowed to enjoy it?

“But it’s true!” Ed smiled, steadying his hands against Roy’s shoulders. He wanted another kiss, and another, and another. He’d learned it was easy now, there was no trick, no formula, no magic. It was the simple delight of togetherness.

“It must be. No good Daddy would leave such a pretty baby behind,” Ed had to swallow Roy’s words hard and dry like a pill, but they left only sweetness on his tongue. So many had said that before him, probably more would say it after, but it felt so good to hear it from  _ him.  _ To be told by someone he knew wouldn’t lie to him, to hear that it was never his fault— “But I suppose I owe him a drink for leaving such a sweet thing in my care. Such a cute little doll, all for me.”

For the first time in his life, Ed was grateful for his father. Wholeheartedly, down to his marrows, down to every last atom.

“I have to thank him, I really do,” Roy continued, pulling Ed in closer, pressing their bodies together. “Just thinking about everything I get to teach you…”

“Like what?” Ed asked, wondering why this had to become a lesson now. He couldn’t remember a time he didn’t want to talk about alchemy, but now, all he wanted to do was kiss. It was all he wanted to do with the rest of his stupid, arduous life.

Roy’s eyes were a twinkling darkness Ed hadn’t seen since he came to the city. It felt so much like home.

“Did you think those were  _ real  _ kisses, baby girl?” Roy asked. Ed nodded, suddenly ashamed. What about those wasn’t real? “You poor thing. Come here, let me show you how grown-ups kiss.”

Ed’s hands felt small on Roy’s chest, Roy’s hand felt large on his shoulder, the other felt strong on the back of his head, the man’s fingers already becoming tangled in golden threads Ed had fought so hard to brush out until they were smooth and shiny. What grown-ups did is what Edward wanted. All of it, down to the last uncomfortable truth.

He allowed himself to be manipulated, slack in the man’s hands, malleable. When Roy’s tongue pushed against his lips, hot and wet, Ed allowed it inside without hesitation. The taste was bitter, tainted by whatever he’d drank earlier. It felt familiar, like a memory Ed could only just barely remember the taste of, the warmth of, the burn of.

He felt outpaced even in his own body. Roy’s tongue filled so much of him he thought he might choke on it, drown in him. The hand on his shoulder came to his cheek and the hand tangled in his hair kept him from pulling away. It almost made his eyes water, but he was reveling in it, toes of flesh and steel alike curling inside black stockings.

Roy wasn’t kissing him like a little boy. He was kissing him like a woman. Like his favorite thing in the world.

Ed tapped Roy’s chest, and thankfully, his signaling was understood. Roy pulled away, and Ed was given a chance to gasp for breath.

“How was that for a kiss, princess?” Roy asked, watching Ed struggle to steady his breathing.

Ed nodded, feeling a warmth from the tips of his ears all the way down to his toes. It pooled in his groin and stiffened in his cock, his body alive. 

Roy’s laughter came out in joyous breaths. “Oh, now Baby’s getting excited.”

He nodded again, more enthusiastically. He was excited. He was  _ happy.  _ “Can I do it to you?”

“I don’t know, can you?”

Ed didn’t realize this sort of thing was… fun. It was fun. He was having fun. He didn’t think adults still had fun, but here it was. Here they were. He was laughing, quietly, breathily, but genuinely. Roy’s tone was teasing, but it wasn’t mean. It was playful, it was  _ fun  _ .

Kisses were a new sort of game, and it was one Ed already felt he could be great at.

He steadied his hands on Roy’s chest and pressed their mouths together again. His movements felt clumsy, unpracticed, unrefined, but he felt like he was rising to the challenge. There was a strange sort of authority that this gave him, straddling the man’s lap, being allowed whatever he asked for, getting to call the shots when usually he would be the one who had to obey. This was an unexpected perk to playing the role of the receiver, to being the woman in the relationship for the night. Gentlemen treat a “lady” differently, delicately, reverently. Ed hadn’t realized the fairer sex possessed such a power.

He squeaked into Roy’s mouth as he felt a hand on his chest, pulled away with a scrunched look of confusion when it began to knead at the plushness of his pubescent chest. Roy hummed calmly, a thumb softly tracing a circle over the dark material of Ed’s shirt.

“Did I scare you?” Roy asked, though his tone did not necessarily convey any real concern.

“No, I just… wasn’t expecting it…” Ed muttered, dropping his gaze to watch Roy’s hand move over his chest, almost memorized by the touch. 

“I usually like a bit more of a chest on my girls, but I think I could get used to this too,” Roy mused aloud, eyes scanning Ed’s body. “They’re cute.”

“Ah, uh…” Ed was sputtering, flushing. Roy’s thumb swiped across a stiff nipple over his clothes and a shudder passed through him, his flesh hand curling up towards his mouth shyly, ashamed of the way he was responding to this sort of contact. Wasn’t this the sort of thing that was only supposed to happen to girls? “Do you, uh… wanna… see?”

There was really nothing there worth grabbing, nothing anyone would consider worth lingering over, but linger this hand did.

“Do you want to show me?”

Roy appreciated him, even in the places where no one else would…

Ed’s only affirmation was to mouth off the glove pressed to his lips, and reach towards the silver latch at his collarbone. His hands worked mechanically, mindlessly. He felt like he should be more hesitant, less eager. He’d never undressed for anyone like this before, but he felt like he wasn’t supposed to want it like this. There should be push-and-pull, there should be coercion, he was supposed to politely decline at least once…

_ No. Those rules only apply to real girls. _

_ A real man is allowed to want it. _

The latch sprung free, his cropped overshirt falling open. He shouldered his cloak off to his elbows and pulled the black shirt down to meet it, leaving him in the tight black undershirt that couldn’t even be chaste enough to hide the way his nipples were pushing into the thin fabric.

“Is this all I get for tonight?” Roy asked with raised eyebrows. Was this not enough? Was he unimpressed?

Ed let the glove drop from his teeth and into his lap, bringing his mechanical hand to his mouth and tugging that one off as well. Roy wanted less of his clothes, more of him. Fine. Ed could do that. He’d been through far more invasive procedures in his lifetime.

The cloak and jacket hit the floorboards softly, the metal latch clacking against the hardwood as it struck the ground. His fingers found his waist, tugging his tank top loose from the waistband on his skirt and pulling it up over his head. Remaining stoic was a struggle, he could already feel his lips wobbling and his ears burning a scarlet red.

He was softer than he expected himself to be at his age, the slight fullness of his chest a source of shame. A puffiness for which he had no explanation, no excuse. He almost felt like he should be promising his commanding officer he  _ was,  _ in fact, a “real boy,” but honestly, what good would that do in this situation?

The shirt was dropped unceremoniously into the rapidly accumulating pile of things Ed would have to pull back on whenever they were done. The instant it left his hand, Ed was left wondering if it would’ve been sexier to throw it or something. He didn’t really know how these things were supposed to go.

Roy smirked. Ed looked away.

“You’re even cuter than I imagined,” He complimented. “I wasn’t expecting such perky little tits.”

“T… they’re not tits…”

“Oh? Then what are they?” Roy asked, replacing his hands on Ed’s chest. They were warm, calluses gently scratching against soft pink nipples. “Sure looks like a rack to me. Maybe they’ll fill out a bit when you’re older.”

Ed sure fucking hoped not.

“No bra, either…” Roy wondered aloud. Ed added another bullet point to the list of things he forgot girls did. Being a girl was harder than he expected... “Did you want me to play with these?”

The sudden pinch to the bud of his chest pulled a whine from Ed’s lips. Horrified, he felt the pain pulse to his cock, stiffening it further in Roy’s lap. Being hard felt different in stockings, tight, but the material stretched around him so permissively, so lovingly.

It was clear Roy wasn’t looking for an answer. Ed felt his breath hitch as Roy leaned in to press his spit-shined lips against the rosy rise of his chest. It was warm, sticky, and strange, having the fat of his chest taken into someone’s mouth. This was something for mothers and their children, not something for grown men and little boys.

It felt like the grown-up kisses had. Twisting, sucking, a cruel teasing between teeth. Ed brought a steel fist to his mouth, almost too quickly, almost enough to bang it against his teeth. He did his best to swallow any more of the strange sounds he was dying to make, but small squeaks and gasps were still seeping through the cracks of his crooked teeth.

Roy let up, studying Ed’s reactions. “You shouldn’t be so shy, baby girl. I love hearing you whine for me.”

He loved it. He loved Ed.

“I-I think I liked it more when I could kiss you back…” Ed murmured softly, squirming in Roy’s lap. His cock was twitching pathetically in his briefs, desperate for attention.

“Don’t worry about me right now, Angel, I’ll get my turn,” Roy comforted, adjusting Ed in his lap. “Look at you, already so wet for me… Am I teasing you too much?”

“I-I’m okay, i-it just, uh, kinda…” Ed’s words trailed off. It felt stupid to try to explain it to someone who would obviously know far better than he would. “...Happens…”

“Happens how?” Roy asked, placing one kiss along Ed’s jawline, one that ended in the lightest grazing of teeth. Ed liked kisses. He understood kisses. “Tell me.”

“T-tell you about… when it happens…?”

“What sort of things do you think about?” Roy elaborated. “When you find yourself getting wet like this.”

That was a hard question. Ed thought about lots of stuff. Sometimes it happened for no reason. What did Roy want to hear?

“It’s, uh…” Ed stammered, hunting for words. “...S-sometimes it’s ‘cause of you...”

“Aw,” Roy’s voice was filled with warmth. “Aren’t you a sweet thing? Do you have a crush on me?”

_ Crush _ . What a  _ childish  _ word.

“N-no, I, uh… It just  _ happens,  _ okay?” Ed stammered awkwardly, hoping he sounded confident. “A-and I think about girls, too! I think about girls more!”

“You’re playing with my feelings, Angel,” Roy wore a look of mock-sorrow, like it hurt him to not be at the front of everyone’s mind all the time. “I didn’t take you for such a heartbreaker.”

A heartbreaker, huh? He didn’t take himself for one either.

“I’m not playing with anything, I just…” Ed felt stupid every time he opened his mouth. “...I don’t know what to tell you.”

“You don’t have to be so nervous, you know,” Roy reassured softly, “We’re just getting to know each other. If you want this to be good for you, I have to know what you like…”

“But I like this…” Ed admitted softly, not knowing why they had to move along so quickly.

Roy cocked his head. “You know, you’re going to bore me if all we do is kiss, Baby Girl.”

Was this boring? Was Roy bored? Was he tiring of Ed’s company already?

“W-well then what do  _ you  _ wanna do?” Ed asked quickly, desperate not to lose the warmth of affection so soon.

Roy took Ed’s chin in hand, lifting his head so they could look each other in the eye.

“I want to teach you how grown-ups say ‘I Love You.’”

It had been a long time since he’d heard those words. He’d almost forgotten what they’d sounded like aloud, what they’d sounded like from the lips of someone who meant it. The words were sending ripples through his skull like a stone tossed into a creekbed, repeating, growing.  _ I love you this much  _ with arms held wide, with sunlight catching on dust specks, with a scent like lilies and lavender, with a shaky memory of someone he used to love  _ this much  _ . He’d missed it. He’d missed being someone who was loved.

Roy’s smile was so gentle and so genuine, Ed couldn’t imagine wanting to share this with anyone else.

Roy’s hand dropped from his face, following Ed’s body downward. Ed relished in the feeling of being desirable, in light, ticklish touches at his chest, at his waist, at his hips, at his thighs. Roy lingered at his hem for a moment, as if it served as some sort of boundary he was trying to determine whether or not he was willing to cross. Ed opened his mouth to speak, but apparently verbal consent was not what Roy had been waiting for, as his fingers were moving again before Ed had even made a sound. The man’s hands were under his skirt, back at his hips, thumbs resting in the dips of his pelvis that paved the way to his rigid cock, the only barriers between their skin was sheer material of Ed’s stockings and his tightly clinging briefs.

Ed was so pliant, so good, so lovely and doll-like, a perfect daughter and a perfect bride, allowing himself to be raised from Roy’s lap, allowing himself to be caged between Roy’s arms, allowing himself to be loved. There were more kisses, some with teeth, some that broke the capillaries of his neck and blossomed in beautiful, unnatural patterning. He noised pleasantly, purred, hummed, laughed, moaned, and whined, had his voice swallowed by more grown-up kisses. His hips rolled into empty air, his cock crying pitifully for attention. His hands steadying him against Roy’s shoulders, his weight resting on his knees, greased steel probably pressing stains into the cushions. Ed left traces of himself wherever he went, stains and scuffs and dents and black droplets of oil across once-clean floors. He assumed Roy did the same, marking his territory in bruises and bite marks. Being well-worn is a sign of a toy well-loved.

He supposed he was kneeling, but it felt far more powerful than that word implied. For the first time, Ed was given the advantage of height, up on his knees while Roy sat beneath him, kissing him, loving him, like all of this was for him and him alone. Roy gathered up two fistfuls of black stockings and dragged them down, the material catching and snagging on screw heads and steel plates. Ed listened to it rip and tear, knowing he probably shouldn’t have expected anything less. He felt suddenly aware of the fine, golden hairs on his good leg in ways he had never had been before. A pretty girl would’ve known better than to present herself like this. Apparently, he hadn’t learned much from all those afternoons spent sitting on the girl’s side of the classroom.

The shredded remains of his stocking came to a halt at his knees, tethering his legs together lightly, his mismatched toes curled inside the smooth material. The skirt felt airier than ever; it made him want to squeeze his legs together tightly. Roy pushed the pleats of the boy’s skirt aside to reveal the bulging front of his briefs and the tiny droplets of moisture that made the fabric cling to the head of his cock.

And he chuckled at the sight.

“You didn’t quite commit to the bit, did you, princess?” Roy teased, hooking a finger into the leg hole of Ed’s briefs and tugging the elastic taut. He slipped his finger away and let the material snap back against the undercurve of Ed’s ass, watching the muscles clench into a tight perk in surprise. “I was expecting something a little  _ prettier.” _

Ed flushed, feeling stupid for not thinking of that. He hadn’t even considered changing his underwear into something more  _ enticing  _ . He probably looked like such a dumb kid, his chubby cock stout and full in the front of his briefs.

“I-I just… didn’t think about it…” Ed tried to defend himself, fighting to keep his voice steady and authoritative. “I doubt  _ you’re  _ wearing anything  _ fancy…  _ ”

“I have different expectations for my women,” Roy smiled. “Especially for a first date.”

_ Date! _

“Well, uh, maybe next time…” Ed did his best to sound coy, enticing, but even he could hear the nervous tremors in his voice. He had no idea how to sound  _ sexy  _ , but he was trying.

“Now, aren’t we eager,” Ed couldn’t tell if Roy’s words were praise or not. Had he passed  _ sexy  _ and just gone straight to  _ slutty?  _ He didn’t know much about how men preferred their women, but he knew  _ that  _ was an undesirable trait. “Already asking for seconds. Let me enjoy this first.”

Ed got another grown-up kiss, intrusive and wet and wonderful. He felt Roy’s large, callused hands gently scratching at his hips. His touches were possessive, commanding, and for once, Ed was more than willing to obey. Roy’s lips broke away first thing this time, and though Ed attempted to follow him for just one more taste, he pulled too far away. It was clear Ed was not supposed to chase this time.

“Take them off,” Roy instructed. Ed was taken aback by the candor. Wasn’t this the sort of situation where gentlemen were supposed to be… romantic? It felt almost clinical to direct him so blatantly. “...Or are you having second thoughts?”

“N-no, I can do it,” Ed muttered quietly, his eyes on anything but Roy as his hands trembled towards his hips. Was he supposed to be doing this in any particular way? He felt like this was supposed to be preformative,  _ enticing  _ — Just pulling them down seemed an awkward and childish way of going about it, but it was all he had. He lowered his briefs to meet his stockings, his whole body flushing a rosy pink knowing he was so exposed in front of someone who hadn’t touched so much as his top button.

He realized he couldn’t move well like this. That was a problem. It felt stupid to adjust in this position, but he did his best to gracefully lift his knees up from the cushions one at a time and worm his way out of his stockings and underwear. Roy watched the display silently, and Ed was wondering if he was being graded on his performance.

Finally free of them, Ed straightened back up and tried to reclaim some dignity. The airy material of the skirt brushed against his bare cock as he moved, a sensation he found perplexing. It felt… wrong. This wasn’t how clothes were supposed to feel, this wasn’t how they were meant to be worn. He felt like he was breaking some sort of rule, like allowing himself to be presented like this was unapologetically indecent even in a private setting.

“W-what else should I do?”

“Well, does my pretty baby know how to play with her cunt?”

_ Cunt.  _ Ed had only heard that word  _ once.  _ That was one of the bad ones that even adults rarely said. He understood in a vague sense that it meant something like “bitch,” but somehow, that didn’t feel right in this context.

“My, uh… my what?”

Roy laughed, but this time Ed didn’t laugh with him.

“You really do have a lot to learn, huh?” He asked playfully, reaching up to comb an idle hand through Ed’s bangs. Ed wondered if that meant the man wanted a better look at him. “I have my work cut out for me then...”

Roy was moving underneath of him, his hands dropping away. Ed attempted to lower himself back into Roy’s lap, but he was stopped.

“No, stay just like that,” Roy instructed, his hands occupied at his belt, fingers working over steel and leather. The sound of the buckle made Ed’s insides flip and twist, his body squirming instinctively.

Ed listened more than watched, studied the minute movements beneath his palms. He heard the soft drag of a zipper, he heard the rustling of clothing and the gentle clicking of the belt’s buckle clattering against itself as it was pushed away. The places on his body where Roy’s palms had been suddenly felt cold, like they were lacking.

Roy noised so softly Ed almost didn’t catch it. He didn’t know if he was allowed to look or not, but he tried to sneak a glance as subtly as he could.

He peeked down into Roy’s lap curiously, peering between his own thighs to see it clearly. He heard Roy’s breathy laughter coming in hot gasps.

“You can look if you want,” Roy offered, palming his cock steadily as he spoke. His voice was soft, coming out more in exhales than words. “You can even touch it.”

Ed wasn’t sure he was ready for something like that. A part of his mind told him that you were supposed to say “no, thank you,” but he doubted that was entirely appropriate for this scenario.

What Roy had looked different from Ed’s. It was a childish thought, but it was all his mind could offer for him. Ed supposed that was one of those things that was supposed to change with time, but it was upsetting to see his body brought into such sharp contrast against someone else’s. What he had looked soft, chubby and pink, with fine golden hairs that you could easily miss entirely if you weren’t looking for them. What Roy had was different. Thick and dark without an inch of skin around the head to speak of, something that Ed found disquieting and alien. He supposed it would be uncouth to ask if Roy was just born like that. He wondered if it felt weird.

“I’ll take that as a no,” Roy said, ripping Ed from his thoughts. “It’s alright, you don’t have to. I can handle all the touching.”

Though he was not the most sexually well-versed, he understood the mechanics in the world of theory and chalk, in a dusty tome’s description of an overlapping sun and moon. In a quest for understanding what made a human a person, it was impossible to avoid topics that at one point had felt alien and taboo. In a quest to defy God, nothing could be taken as off-limits.

But there had been a comfortable, clinical distance between him and those descriptions. He could see the characteristics not as bodies but as raw materials, as a simple sun and a crescent moon, silver and gold in a single circle. Some of the words had gone over his head, but he felt he had grasped the concepts, at least as far as he was willing to reach for them.

If he could understand a metaphysical circle of life at its widest diameter, so too could he wrap his mind around the concepts of sex, as a scientific notion.

Which is exactly how he approached it. Which was exactly as he approached everything. As a scientific notion, as an untested theory, and himself as an inquiring mind. Despite being of age to make attempts, he had considered this art one darkness he had no need to probe. One question he did not need answers to. The thought left him with an unclean feeling, even without the overbearing weight of cardinal sin on his shoulders and the threat of damnation in his soul. He did not need God to tell him he was, at least for the time being, completely out of his league. This was a world of adults he had previously been unprepared to enter, back when he was certain he had had his fill of taboos for one lifetime.

Faced with the reality, he found it as equally unsettling as it was on a page, but newly alluring. To love someone so much you needed to touch them, needed to kiss them, needed to share skin.

“...Are you going to fuck me?”

The question was direct, simple. He didn’t know how else to ask it.

The answer was equally basic.

“I was certainly hoping to.”

Ed nodded, swallowing thickly. He hadn’t been scared of the word ‘fuck’ since he’d left Resembool and learned no one in East City was going to bother washing his mouth out for using filthy words, but all of a sudden, it was making his stomach churn again. It felt like a violent, visceral word. He wasn’t an idiot. He’d seen what sheep would do out in the pasture. He just couldn’t imagine himself being a part of something like that.

“If you’re good, I might give you another kiss,” Roy offered kisses in the same tone one offered a child sweets. Placating, pacifying. “You’d like that wouldn’t you?”

“...You mean I won’t like this?”

“It might be…” Roy cocked his head back and forth, as if weighing possible answers on their validity. Ed thought this seemed like a simple yes or no question. “...A bit scary at first.”

He thought he understood where this conversation was going.

“...Will it hurt?” He asked softly. He’d asked his grandmother the same question, before she’d separated each of his nerves out like the frayed ends of a thread.

Roy’s answer was the same as her’s.

“I’ll be as gentle as I can.”

Ed felt those words should be reassuring in some way, and he wanted them to be. He wanted to be soothed, he wanted to be comforted, but there was an angry, nagging thought in his mind that didn’t seem to know when to shut the fuck up.

_ She’s a friend. She’s a friend, and you’re a subordinate. You can dress it up all you want, you can let your hair down and play housewife all damn night, but you know you’re not fooling anyone like this. _

_ She’s a woman. You’re just a stupid little kid. _

“N-no, it’s okay,” Ed tried to sound like he knew what he was asking for. “I can handle it. I want you to… fuck me. For real. Like, actually fuck me.”

Roy raised his brows at that.

“My, aren’t we precocious…” He said slowly. It was obvious he did not take Ed’s request very seriously. Perhaps he found his language lacking? That was a complaint the colonel had given him on his reports before.  _ Your language is lacking.  _ What did that even mean?

Ed lifted one hand from the man’s shoulders, holding up a steel palm with fingers splayed.

“I don’t think there’s anything you could do to hurt me,” Ed assured with a hollow laugh. He wanted Roy to get a good look at it, get a good look at what made Ed different from some no-name secretary with nothing worth saying. Show him that he wasn’t someone who only knew how to recite, he was someone with something to say. He wasn’t an adult in years, but he thought he’d earned that title in experience. “I mean, I’ve been through worse, right?”

“I wouldn’t compare sex to amputation,” Roy's laughter kicked up a small fluttering feeling in Ed’s chest. “You’re making me sound like some sort of sadist.”

“I’m just saying I can handle it.”

“Then prove it,” Roy challenged with a smirk. “Work yourself up for me. I want to see if the baby knows how to use her pussy.”

Pussy. Okay, he knew what that meant. Though what Roy meant by it was a bit more elusive. Ed didn’t have any girl parts... Was Roy confused about something?

Ed remained frozen over the older man, brow furrowed, obviously perplexed by the request. Smirking up at him, Roy cocked his head to one side almost playfully, as though he had expected this reaction.

“Is something wrong?” Roy asked, his hands reaching up to rest on Ed’s hips. There wasn’t much there worth grabbing, Ed noted bitterly, but Roy didn’t seem to mind the slimness of the boy’s hips. “You look a bit unsure. Is this too scary for you?”

“N-no!” Ed was desperate not to lose what he’d only just gotten his hands around. “Just, uh… Tell me what you want me to do.”

“Oh, so you want me to give the orders?” The snickering made him feel stupid for asking. Why did Roy insist on making everything hard? “I would’ve said you reminded me of someone I work with, but I don’t think he’s ever been so obedient.”

Ed had a sneaking suspicion he knew who that “someone” was.

“Here, give me your hand,” Roy instructed. Ed extended his flesh hand delicately, placing it in Roy’s offered palm. His hand was guided to the fluttering hem of his skirt and slipped beneath its folds, his face alight in every shade of red as he felt his small fingers brush against the undercurve of his ass. All this blushing was going to make him lightheaded. “Just use your fingers, open yourself up a little. It’s going to be tight at first, so the more you do now, the less it will hurt later.”

_ Oh. So that’s what he meant by pussy? _

_...Gross… _

“Do you think you can do that?” Roy asked, releasing Ed’s hand.

The idea seemed… unappealing.

“I-I said I would, didn’t I?” Ed stammered, pressing the pad of his finger against the opening.

Granny said his mother was watching him in heaven. She said she cried when he did something he shouldn’t. If that was true, Ed hoped there was no heaven at all.

Double-checking Roy’s expression for any signs of deceit before he did something he couldn’t take back, Ed pushed against his hole with an experimental touch.

He didn’t know what he expected it to feel like, but somehow he still found the sensation offputting. Even with his finger only pushed in up to the first knuckle, it was a bizarre feeling. Not painful or uncomfortable, but… weird. Weird and gross.

“How’s it feel?”

“N-nice…” Ed lied, wondering how so little of his hand could somehow feel so intrusively deep inside him.

“See if you can get the whole thing in there.”

Ed nodded, shifting his weight uncomfortably in an attempt to widen his stance. He pushed again, nose scrunching and eyes screwing shut at the dry drag along his interior lining. It felt like it was already halfway up his stomach when he felt the rise of his second knuckle. Since when was his finger this long?

“This is much more fun than kissing, isn’t it?”

His shame manifested in a small squirm that made the finger inside him feel even more out of place. Gritting his teeth, he buried it inside himself to the last knuckle. It wasn’t a bad feeling, but he didn’t see what all the hype about sex was if this was all you were supposed to do.

“I, uh…” It’s in? I did it? Both of those sounded unimaginably stupid in this situation. “...Wh-what now?”

“Move it around a bit. Fuck yourself on it. Experiment a little. You might find something you like.”

_ Fuck.  _ There was that word again. Ed wondered if he would ever again be so liberal in its usage if all it was ever going to remind him of was this.

Setting aside his hesitancy, he did his best to follow Roy’s instructions. He moved his hand inside himself, feeling himself writhe through the motions. His body was beginning to settle around the intrusion, warm up to its presence. It took a few weak pumps to get used to using his body this way, to figure out what he was supposed to do with his wrist.

“Can you close your hand like that?”

Ed gave it a half-hearted attempt, but stopped immediately, shaking his head.

“Too tight?” Roy mused, watching this display hungrily. Ed gave a somber nod, returning to his previous strategy of slow, deliberate pumping. “See? That’s why we’re doing this. Imagine if I tried to fuck you now, you’d be in ribbons.”

It was starting to feel less strange. Sometimes, it almost felt like it was brushing up against something ticklish that he couldn’t quite reach even when tried. His cock twitched limply against the pleats of his skirt, its interest piqued. There was a warmth building up in the pit of his groin, almost like he needed to pee. 

“See if you can get another one in you now,” Roy instructed, cocking his head at the bulge in Ed’s skirt. Ed tried, and this time he was a bit more successful, though he wasn’t sure if he was pleased with the results. The uncomfortable stretch was back, bringing with it a burn. “Is it in?” Ed nodded, front teeth digging into chapped lips. “Good girl. That’s it, keep going.”

Ed wasn’t sure he needed Roy’s direction any longer. He was a scientist first and foremost. To progress bullheadedly through experimentation was what he was born to do. Silver and gold, a simple sun and a crescent moon, their bodies made into materials. If he could rationalize it, he could do it.

And it didn’t take a prodigy to know that sex felt good.

The hand on Roy’s shoulder was steadily releasing its iron grip on the fabric of his shirt, Ed’s muscling beginning a slow descent into relaxation as he acclimated to the feeling of something foreign inside himself. There was something nice there, something he couldn’t reach.

“Try to spread them,” Roy sounded breathy, gauging Ed’s experience by his expressions. Ed did, and was rewarded for his obedience. That was nice too. This is why we had research partners. “It’s not hurting as much anymore, right?”

“N-no… It’s nice…” This time he almost meant it, one golden eye just barely cracking open to get a look at Roy’s face. He looked happy. Genuinely happy. Ed had made Roy happy like this, made him happy with this ugly, greasy body that was too heavy and too short and too soft. Ed’s body could make someone happy. “But you said… you said you wanted to fuck me, right?”

“Do you want to try it?”

Ed nodded quickly.

“You’re not scared?”

He shook his head. “‘M not a baby, I can do it…”

Roy’s smile was so warm, so inviting, so loving. Ed wanted a grown-up to tell him they loved him, he wanted to be loved more than anything else in the world.

“You’re not a baby anymore, hm? You want me to treat you like a real woman?” _ If that was what it took, yes.  _ “You know, I never would’ve guessed you were so mature for your age.”

“I’m just smart enough to know who to follow.”

He slipped his hand from his hole, wrapping both arms around the older man’s neck for support. His flesh palm wrapped itself around an automail joint, his face pressed into Roy’s neck. Warmth, leather, musk. Men had such an intoxicating scent.

Roy lowered him carefully, firm hands on lithe hips, while Ed buried his face in the older man’s neck, eyes squeezed shut tightly in anticipation.

“You have to relax,” Roy chided gently. Ed wasn’t even aware of how tightly he was clinging. “You said you wanted this.”

“I do…”

“Well, act like it. If you don’t, this is going to hurt.”

Ed didn’t want it to hurt. He didn’t want any more love that would hurt.

He swallowed thickly, lifting his face and taking in a steadying breath.  _ In through the nose, out through the mouth, breathe out longer than you breathe in.  _ Teacher had taught him about control, about reigning in instinct. This body did not rule him.

Slowly, purposefully, and powerfully, Ed felt his hole being pushed against and pulled open. He could feel it, feel it in his guts, in his toes, in his throat. He choked out gasps, choked out something he thought might be a sob, even without tears. Again, he was given kisses. Something he knew he loved, something that made it better.

His spine arched, his hands purchased on Roy’s shoulders, his jaw clenched. He didn’t know if he should describe it as slow, or as gentle, or as harsh or punishing. It was so much, but he felt like that might be how it was supposed to feel. Love was supposed to fill him, overwhelm him.

_ I love you this much  _ with two arms held wide, but somehow, Roy loved him even more.

The pathetic gurgling in his throat rose into a wet whine, hands curling into fists around the fabric of Roy’s shirt. His body was hot, sweating beading across his skin. Roy spoke to him softly, in murmurs and mutters that Ed could just barely hear over the sound of his own panting and gagging. Reassurances, compliments, praises, all of Ed’s new favorite things. Shushing, kissing, loving. Ed knew he had been through far greater pains, he knew he could do this, he could do this for you, Roy.

By the time the man had bottomed out inside him, Ed felt like he was going to be sick. It hurt. He was warned it would hurt, and it did. It was nice, it was strange, it was foreign and unfamiliar, but  _ fuck,  _ it  _ hurt. _

“C-careful…” Ed rasped out, lips trembling. He didn’t know if he had any right to ask that. This might already be what “careful” felt like, but it was all he could think to ask.

“Careful? I’m not even doing anything.”

“But you’re gonna…”

“What am I gonna do like this?” How was it that Roy’s laugh could be delightful one moment and cutting the next? He had mastered the art of smiling in a way that made Ed feel like an idiot. “You said you wanted to be treated like a big girl, right? You’re going to have to put the work in.”

Roy’s hands gripped his hips beneath the leather of his skirt, calluses scratching against his soft skin. His touch was no longer gentle, fingertips digging into plump cheeks. Ed’s hips were pulled upward and dragged back down, rocking Roy’s hips into him. The motion tore a choked whine from his throat. It hurt. It wasn’t awful, but it hurt. Not as much as it had, but it hurt. Ed hated that this had to hurt.

“Just like that, alright?” Roy instructed, his voice trembling in a way Ed had never heard before. “Come on, don’t let me down.”

Ed could not stand the thought of disappointing Roy now.

He adjusted himself on his knees, listening to the sofa groan beneath them. His hips moved cautiously at first, his teeth digging into his lip so deeply he thought the skin might break. He supposed he had his teacher to thank for all the core strength training that he used to hate so much. He studied Roy’s reactions through barely-open eyes, trying to gauge his performance. The man’s brows were knitted tightly together, but Ed could see a smile on his perfectly peachy lips.

Roy’s voice was warm and sweet, flowing slow and steady from those lips like a syrup. “Just relax and it won’t hurt. You don’t have to be scared. I want to make your first time special.”

Ed did his best to go slack, allowing himself to be worked open, Roy’s body rocking against his. First it was slow, shallow, just rocking, just holding. Adjusting. It had taken him a while to get used to the feeling of being in cars, but now they hardly even phased him. He could adjust to this too. He could learn to love this childlike rocking, learn to love being fucked like this.

He closed his arms around Roy’s shoulders, locking them together. When was the last time he had clung to someone like this? Had he ever?

“I-I’m not scared,” he gasped, squeaking involuntarily as Roy’s cock brushed against something pleasant inside him. “I-I like it…”

The sound Roy made sounded halfway between a laugh and a scoff.

“I’m serious!” Ed countered quickly.

“You’re sure you’re not overdoing it?”

“Y-you—” His words were swallowed in a whine, but he was determined to get them out. “—Y-you shouldn’t care. You don’t even know me.”

It was funny. Ed wanted to laugh, but the sounds were coming out broken and strange. Roy smiled. He really, really did. He must think it’s funny too, this little game of theirs, acting like they’d never met.

“No,” Roy’s tone was humored. “I just never thought of myself as the kind of man who takes advantage of innocent little girls.”

“I don’t know if you could call me  _ innocent…  _ ” Ed’s voice hardly sounded like his own, shuddering out of him in breathy gasps. He could learn to love this. He really, really could.

He’d never gotten to see the colonel’s face up close like this. He really was beautiful. Ed didn't think he’d ever met a man he could describe that way before. It called his own features into sharp contrast. The slight upturn to his nose that had gotten his Uncle Rockbell to call him “piglet” growing up, the crookedness of his teeth with the one canine that jutted out from his gum like a fang, dry hair that fell around his face like straw and corn-silk frizz, all were absent on Roy. Between Ed and his brother, it was clear who the “cute” one was, but he doubted Roy had ever felt he had to compete in terms of looks. A strong jawline, sharp eyes. Where Ed was scratched and chapped, Roy was smooth and soft. His lips were made for kisses, his hair was begging to be played with. Ed wondered what it felt like to be perfect.

Ed was settling into a rhythm, and like with his fingers, it was getting easier, and it was getting better. He did what he could to keep his vocal responses appropriate. He didn’t know what the neighbors could or couldn’t hear in Roy’s house, and the last thing they needed was a noise complaint when Ed was the only one around to take the blame for it. That’d be the end of both of them. He slapped one hand over his mouth, eyes brimming with unshed tears. With every thrust, he felt like his dinner was being packed back into his throat, his legs writhing fruitlessly at Roy’s hips. His toes curled so tightly they ached, his automail revving like a motorcar despite him not putting the machinery through any particularly burdensome activity.

_ Winry had likened it to a pulse... _

If every nerve in his body was alive, his pistons were thundering right along with them, a thousand tiny mechanizations whirring and rumbling around them.

“If you get pregnant,” Roy had to pause for breath, a shudder running down his spine. “I promise to take responsibility.”

The words made Ed’s stomach churn and his heart flutter. The idea of playing host was viscerally upsetting, but the idea of playing wife was not so horrific. The idea of being kept, the idea of being with someone forever, someone who will never leave. If that’s what it meant to fuck, then Ed did love it. He wanted to be fucked every day, wanted to be loved every waking moment.

Sex was hard, and it hurt, and it was scary, but it was a wonderful way to say “I Love You,” and Ed was glad Roy had deemed he was enough of a grown-up to experience it. He shuddered around Roy's cock, listened to the man moan beneath him, and Ed cried, openly, for the first time in years. He forced down the whimpers and sobs, but he was certain Roy could feel tears dripping from his chin and rolling down Roy’s back. He howled, and he whined, he moaned, and he cried, and he was held through it, fucked through it. His body was making someone happy, he was making someone happy, he was making Roy love him, just like this.

What grown-ups did is what Edward wanted. All of it, to the last uncomfortable truth.

His hand trembled away from Roy’s shoulder, knuckles aching, and wrapped itself around his stiff cock. His body responded with immediate gratitude, a ripple passing down his nerves like a current through copper wires.

“See? I knew you’d like it,” Roy’s voice was strained, tight. “Are you still thinking of me, baby girl? Is that what’s getting you so wet?”

Ed nodded tearfully, palming his leaking cock with short, clumsy pumps.

“I-I lied—  _ earlier  _ —” Ed choked out in a sob. “I-it’s usually— it’s usually you—”

This time, Roy couldn’t summon a chuckle. What left his lips was a trembling breath, happy, good-humored, but tense. “Not girls?”

Ed shook his head, buried it in Roy’s neck. “I-it’s you...”

“Well,” More shaky, happy breaths. “I’m very flattered.”

Roy’s scent was swallowed up by sweat and a bodily stink that filled the room. Ed massaged his pitifully aching cock with an unpracticed hand, thumb digging into ribbed flesh in a desperate plea for release.

“You don’t last very long, do you? I suppose I shouldn’t expect much from your first time,” Roy’s words had Ed’s heart stalling, and he’s certain Roy could feel the way he stilled and tightened. “No, it’s okay. You can cum. I know you want to.”

Ed’s hands were stilled, even as Roy’s guided his hips back into motion.

“It’s okay, Baby, it’s alright, you’ve worked very hard,” Roy reassured, moving Ed’s body for him, fucking into him like a toy. His pace was less cautious, more erratic. “A pretty thing like you deserves a nice treat.”

“D-do you—” Ed choked. “Do you r-really think I’m puh— I’m pretty?”

“I do,” Roy said, and Ed was sure he meant it.

His body shook. He wasn’t sure if it was from crying, or laughing, or both, but he shook. He shook in Roy’s arms, he pushed desperate kisses into his neck, he allowed himself to be fucked even when it hurt, and he shook. He palmed clumsily at his weeping cock, working himself up quickly. Roy was reaching what he couldn’t have with just his fingers, dragging across that “something nice,” filling Ed with warmth. He understood now why Roy had weighed his career against sex, and he understood why sex had won.

“Y-you don’t need— you don’t need— you _ don’t  _ —” Ed was fumbling for words, choking on them as they all piled up in his throat. He felt like he was going to either explode or pass out, and he wasn’t sure which it would end up being. “You don’t need to see nobody—  _ Hah  _ — no more— I’ll  _ fuh  _ — I’ll fuck you— I can do it— E-every day— You don’t need her— You  _ don’t  _ —”

His shout was caught in a kiss, Roy’s quick-thinking saving the neighbors the discomfort of listening to Ed cum a mess into the pleats of his skirt and across the pale plains of his stumpy thighs. Roy kissed him through it until Ed was left a melted mess, semen-slicked and weak, face hot and mind reeling. His body went slack, sinking into Roy the way a wave meets a shoreline.

He gasped into Roy’s shoulders, his body heavier than it’d ever been. He could feel Roy moving beneath him, finishing the work Ed couldn’t. 

“S-stop—” Ed whined weakly.  _ No more. _

Roy shushed him shortly, then gently, as if correcting himself. “One second, one more second…”

“I ca—  _ hah—  _ can’t breathe—”

“You’re fine,” Roy’s voice came through gritted teeth. “You can handle it.”

Ed listened distantly to Roy’s growling, his panting, felt his chest rumble. He closed his eyes, scrunched his piglike nose, allowed it. He was supposed to be getting fucked like a real girl tonight, fucked the way Roy would love most. If he had to wear a skirt, if they had to call his hole a cunt, and if it had to hurt, he was more than willing. He coughed, he choked, and he endured, because that’s what lovers do. They sacrifice for one another. 

He didn’t realize what it would feel like to let someone cum inside him. Roy shuddered through his orgasm, and Ed felt it fill him with a wetness, a strange tackiness. It wasn’t as warm and pleasant as he had hoped. He felt selfish, wishing that Roy had stopped when he told him to.

Roy stilled inside him, that wetness seeping from his hole in viscous, clinging strands. “...I’m guessing you’ve had enough for one night, huh?”

Ed responded with silence, stillness. He felt Roy’s hand on his shoulder, shaking him gently, and groaned to let him know he was alive.

“You a little worn out?” Roy asked, his hand stroking comfortingly down Ed’s back. Mercifully, he felt Roy pull free from him, his tunnel limply contracting around the emptiness left in his wake, that wetness seeping weakly from his entrance.

Ed nodded faintly, curling back into the comforts of Roy’s neck. It was done. He’d survived.

“Alright. You lay down, I’ll get you cleaned up.”

Ed was not ready to let go, but he was too weak to protest. Roy slid out from under him carefully, supporting Ed against his chest like an infant he was afraid of waking. He laid Ed across the cushions on his back, golden eyes rolling lazily up to the ceiling. Roy stared down at him for a moment, knuckles brushing straw-like strands of hair away from Ed’s wet lips.

“Did you like that?” Roy asked, smiling gently at Ed’s exhausted form.

Ed nodded, flesh palm extending limply. He took hold of the cuff of Roy’s sleeve, a faint smile on his lips. “‘S nice…”

“I’m glad I could make your first time special,” Roy said, taking Ed’s wrist and moving his hand back to his chest. “You stay here, alright? I’ll be back.”

Ed did not need to be told twice. He let his head roll to one side, cheek resting against the soft cushions. His heart was still pumping, his mind still syrupy, as if his brain had melted in his skull. He tried to read the spines of the books on the shelf and found he couldn’t. The words were shifting too much, muddied and strange the way they were in primers and practice books. He heard Roy’s footsteps leave his side for the kitchen, heard the distant sound of drawers opening and closing, the running of tap water.

_ Bath… A bath would be nice...  _

He usually found washing up to be an annoyance and a chore, especially with automail being so temperamental about getting wet, but right now, the thought sounded like an unimaginable luxury. He was sweaty, sticky, sore, and aching. All things that a hot bath could potentially soak away.

Ed lifted his head weakly at the sound of Roy’s footsteps returning. He crossed the room carefully, setting a small dish of water and a rag on the coffee table beside their long-abandoned glasses.

“Get your shirt on, and I’ll get you cleaned up, alright? That sound like a fair trade?” Roy asked, gathering up the discarded pile of Ed’s clothing and dropping them onto the seat beside him. Ed turned over lazily to reach for his coat. He was cold, and in place of a blanket, this was the next best thing.

“...I’m being serious, you know,” Roy chided, watching Ed pull the red coat over himself weakly, curling up to fit properly underneath its subtle weight.

“...If I do, you’re gonna make me leave, aren’t you?” Ed asked softly, voice muffled under the coat. Roy ignored him, pushing the makeshift blanket aside and handing him his tank top.

“Would you do it for a kiss?”

Ed liked the way this man bargained. He sat up with a groan, pulling his shirt on over his head. He didn’t expect sex to affect him like this, but he felt like he was back in Teacher’s back garden getting his ass handed to him for hours on end.

“Good boy,” Roy leaned down to peck Ed’s cheek chastely. 

“That’s not a real kiss,” Ed grumbled, betrayed.

“You’re a fast learner,” Roy said, holding out Ed’s black overshirt to him. “Get your jacket on and we’ll see about a real kiss.”

Ed complied, his shoulders screaming at him to stop while he pulled it over them. Every time he moved, a sharp stab of pain shot up from his ass. He wondered how long that would last.

True to his word, this time Roy gave him a real kiss. It was not as hungry as the one that came before it, and Ed thought he might even prefer that. There was fondness, sweetness, softness. This kiss lingered like they never wanted to let it go.

“That’s all it takes to get you to listen, huh?” Roy asked as he pulled away. Ed hated that he was right. “Okay, lay down for me.”

Ed eased himself back down onto the cushions as Roy knelt down between the couch and the table, dipping the rag into the basin and wringing it out.

“Wouldn’t want to send you home leaking, now, would I?” Roy chuckled, drawing Ed’s steel leg up and sliding his skirt out of the way. “So just be still for a bit, okay?”

“Will I get another kiss?” Ed joked weakly.

“Actually, I think  _ I  _ should be getting a reward for this.”

The rag was brought to his slicked thighs. If he could’ve, he would’ve purred at the touch, warm and wonderful. Ed didn’t know if this was standard practice after being fucked like that, but he hoped this treatment was somehow for him exclusively. He let himself melt against the sofa, Roy’s hands working gently to soothe sore muscles and wipe away any evidence of their activities. His hand passed deftly over the undercurve of his ass, the pad of his finger pressing against the hole to work out whatever wasn’t dripping naturally. The touches were invasive and embarrassing, but kind and familiar at the same time.

“You’re being very good for me,” Roy praised softly, the warm rag passing gently over aching muscles. “I was expecting a little more wiggling.”

“‘M used to this sort of thing… Granny used to, uh…” Ed second-guessed his story. Roy didn’t need to listen to him whine about the consequences of double amputations that were entirely his own fault. “...Nevermind. Not important.”

Apparently, he didn’t need to finish his thought for Roy to understand. “I guess it would be hard with only one hand.”

“...Yeah…” Ed dropped his voice to an embarrassed whisper. What a stupid topic to find themselves on. “...Couldn’t move around much…”

“I’m sure that was very hard for you.”

“...You know, if we were anywhere else, I don’t know what we would’ve done,” Ed admitted softly. “I don’t think many other villages have doctors who know how to treat amputees,” He paused to laugh, though the sound carried with it no humor. “Sucker’s luck, I guess.”

“What makes you think you’re a sucker?”

“Granny says I’m half-steel-half-stupid most days,” Ed’s voice was coming out in shy whispers, Roy silent beside him to listen.

“Bullheaded, maybe,” Roy mused, the warmth of the rag leaving Ed’s skin. In its absence, a chill set in. “But not stupid. If you were stupid, you wouldn’t be here, would you?”

“...If I were a bit smarter, I probably wouldn’t be either.”

“Well then, if no one else,” Roy said, dropping the rag down into the bowl. “ _ I’m  _ glad you’re half-steel-half-stupid.”

Ed’s brow furrowed, lips tightening into a thoughtful pout. “...You are?”

“Of course,” Roy chuckled. “You’re my ticket to the top, kid. You find that stone of yours, I take the credit, remember?”

Ed smiled as much as he could. His face was starting to ache from grinning so much, but he supposed it only meant it matched every other muscle in his body tonight. “You only get your ass kissed for finding me. When I find the stone, I’m taking all the credit.”

“We’ll see about that,” Roy smiled, reaching out to pat Ed’s thigh. “C’mon, I’ll drive you back to your hotel. I wouldn’t want a pretty thing like you out on your own after dark.”

“No…” Ed whined, exhausted. “I wanna stay here…”

“Your brother would worry.”

“He always worries…”

“Because you always give him reasons to,” Roy explained, sliding two open palms under Ed’s limp and heavy form. He felt himself being lifted, almost effortlessly for a boy so burdened. “Besides, you need a bed tonight. You’re already going to be sore, you don’t need to make it worse.”

“I can sleep with you…” Ed murmured sleepily, resting his head against the pillow of Roy’s chest. 

Roy’s chuckle was a rumble against Ed’s cheek. “What would people think of me then, hm? Seeing a little girl leaving my house at the crack of dawn?”

The way Roy moved felt like rocking, gathering up the rest of Ed’s things and tucking them into his lap. Ed hated knowing that meant he wasn’t going to be allowed to stay longer.

“I can change my pants back…”

“Ah, so that’s where you got it, hm?” Roy seemed impressed. Ed glowed, feeling rocked by the older man’s footfalls, comforted even as he knew they were carrying him towards the door. “Clever.”

It felt nice to be clever. Felt nice to be pretty, too. Felt nice to be sweet, and to be a doll. Felt nice to be held, felt so nice to be loved. He didn’t even want a bed, he wanted to sleep just like this, Roy’s heartbeat in his ear.

He was aware of the night air more in feeling than in reasoning. The sound of the door was a heavy drag in his ears, the rush of cool wind bringing an instinctual fear of winter even when it wouldn’t be snowing for months. He curled into himself, curled into Roy, curled into warmth. He was used to being grabbed, by his hood, by his hair, by his arm, by his wrist. His body was small, he was easy to drag. But it felt like it’d been a long time since he’d been held. Roy kept him close to his chest, like something precious, like something he was unwilling to share.

He hoped they could make this a regular thing. 

Roy’s hand fumbled over keys, struggling to lock the door with only one open hand, struggling to find his car key on the ring. It wasn’t meant to be, but Ed thought the jingling of metal was sort of rhythmic. It wasn’t the rumbling of automail, wasn’t clanging of a school bell, it was gentle, shushing. His senses felt dulled in his exhaustion, like he was surrounded in a simple syrup, like his whole world was a little sweeter than it was this morning.

The front steps bounced him, the path to the driveway rocked him. He didn’t believe in fate, but if he did, he would think perhaps the world was conspiring towards peace for a change. No more burdens, no more metal, no more trains, no more disappointment.

No more nightmares, only good things, only the two of them.

The car door opened softly, Ed felt himself being lowered into the backseat. He was loath to part with his partner, but Roy’s warmth was replaced by a wool coat that smelled faintly of smoke in ways that reminded Ed of summer bonfires and his mother’s crackling hearth. Gentle hands tucked the dark wool around him like a blanket, and it was hard to complain. No one in Ed’s life believed in spoiling children. He should accept being pampered while he had the chance.

The door slammed shut, and Roy got into the front. Ed couldn’t see him, but his presence still had a subtle comfort to it, the way going to bed after a bad dream had been easier with someone at his bedside. Someone breathing, someone soft, someone who was kind and good and loved him. The purr of his own motor was drowned out by the car’s engine rumbling to life, his body swaying limply with the subtle turn of the axles as Roy pulled away from the townhouse. Things look different laying down, Ed noted plainly. The view from the backseat was new and unique, the old bricks of East City skewed as if looming over him. Streetlamps passed slowly, stripes of light rolling over him, highlighting each segmented joint of each metallic finger. So much of him was heavy, uncompromising steel, and Roy had still carried him all this way. A lopsided body made lighter in another’s arms.

“...I love you, Colonel,” Ed mumbled, feeling himself drift. He didn’t understand how he had ever gotten so carsick. Laying across the backseat like this, he was warm, he was comfortable, he was rocking to the sound of an engine’s hum.

Ed couldn’t see Roy’s face, but he felt like he could hear a smile in his voice. “Even after all that, I’m still just Colonel to you?”

Ed felt a weak grin tug at the tired corners of his lips. He wondered how long it had been since he’d smiled so much. “Then can I call you Roy…?”

“If it’s just the two of us.”

_ Just the two of us. _

Whether he had truly slept, or if the streaks of light in his dreams were his blurred recollection of street lamps and headlights, he could never be sure. All he knew for certain was that he didn’t think he minded if this warmth, this comfortable heaviness, this gentle softness, and this one small space lasted forever.

**. . .**

“What do you think, Al? Is it a lead?”

“It’s the best we have right now,” Alphonse replied simply, a hesitant optimism in his hollow voice. “The colonel still hasn’t given you any new missions, huh?”

“Yeah. ‘Says nothing’s come through the grapevine yet.”

Two days. Ed had been a hopped-up clockwork jackrabbit ticking double-time for two days. If not for the stack of books in his arms, he felt like he’d be bouncing down Eastern Command’s hallways instead of walking. He’d never had a secret he couldn’t tell Alphonse, and this was a big one.

He wasn’t a virgin anymore.

Furthermore, he may not be as into girls as he had previously thought.

And lastly, he was in love.

Not schoolyard love. Real, genuine, adult love. And it was fucking killing him.

They didn’t bother filling in a field researcher on what the soldiers were toughing through on a day-to-day basis, so all he knew was that some order had come down from Central that had the Eastern Command in a flurry. The only conversation he’d managed to get from Roy since the other night was a grumbling reminder not to speak too loudly before he’d finished his coffee. That meant no time for any clarifying conversations, no time for secret kisses, no time to even joke around about their illicit rendezvous as faux-strangers. It was all very exciting. Ed was beginning to remember why he’d loved adventure stories about undercover soldiers lost behind enemy lines as a child. There was something undeniably exciting about the whole affair.

Oh,  _ affair.  _ He  _ liked  _ that word. Would Roy like it if he called it that? It sounded  _ sexy  _ .

Ed wanted to know when all this hustle and bustle would be over and done with so he could ask Roy about their next date. He hoped Roy wouldn’t ask him to wear a skirt next time. It was way too embarrassing, and he wasn’t sure he really enjoyed being called a girl. Brought back too many unpleasant memories. Come to think of it, he didn’t get a very good look at Roy’s body at all, with the exception of his cock, which had left Ed with more than a few questions. It’d be nice to get to explore another person a bit more intimately, maybe take things a little more slowly, when things were more planned out, and Roy wasn’t rushing him out the door afterward.

Ed awkwardly shouldered the door to the Mustang Unit’s office open, using his chin to hold the books in place as he turned. Al’s gauntleted hand caught the door behind him, holding it out for both of them. Sometimes, it was nice having a brother twice your size.

...Sometimes, not always.

“Oh, hey Edward, hey Alphonse,” Kain was the first one to greet them, standing by the door and tugging a light jacket over his shoulders. Autumn was settling around them more and more every day, previously welcoming afternoons suddenly inviting the need for jackets and scarves as warm winds gave way to chill. Kain eyed the books in Ed’s arms with an empathetic smile. “Ah, you’re staying through lunch again?”

The office was half empty, and the three left were lingering were clearly eager to follow their comrades to freedom.

Ed responded with a cheerful chuckle. “Nah, we’re just dropping these off—”

“You have two papers from the Second Central Laboratory submitted for peer review,” Riza informed flatly, not bothering to lift her head to face them directly as she stood at her desk, gathering the few things left on her desktop into her purse. 

_ Peer reviews.  _ Ed gave Al a tight-lipped look of disgust that screamed  _ ‘Help Me.’ _

“Ah…” Ed groaned weakly, letting his displeasure show clearly on his face. “Yeah, okay, so when we get back—”

“I left them on your desk. Try to actually finish them this time,” Riza reminded him with a slight tinge of malice to her tone. Roy had been right about one thing. First Lieutenant Hawkeye had been fucking  _ pissed  _ about those stupid forms. Their respective rankings made it impossible for her to scold him for it, but the guilt-tripping wasn’t much better. 

Ed gave Sergeant Fuery a desperate look but received only a shrug in response.

“...Then yes,” Ed said, visibly deflating into the stack of books. “I guess we’re staying.”

Ed crossed the office to his desk, dumping the stack of borrowed alchemical materials onto the wood and sending a few loose candy wrappers sailing to the floor from the force of the drop. He huffed in disappointment at the sight of the ungodly stack of research papers before him. This was only two? How was this only  _ two? _

_ They’ve gotta start putting a fucking page limit on these things. _

“If it gives you trouble, ask the Colonel to help you,” Riza instructed, closing her bag and pulling it onto her shoulder.

He dropped into his desk chair limply, automail clanking against the edge of the seat. “I dunno about that. ‘Colonel said he’s busy today.”

“And you believed him?” Jean scoffed, pulling a coat on over his uniform. He earned a look from his fellow lieutenant as she rose from her desk. She seemed a lot less willing to trash talk superiors in front of an impressionable youth.

“He can make time,” Riza replied flatly, reaching past Havoc’s dumb grin for her jacket. “He’s in his office. Just tell him it’s important.”

Ed’s mouth moved without his permission.

“...Alone?”

She paused, eyebrows raised. When she spoke, she spoke slowly, skeptically. “...Yes, I would assume. Why wouldn’t he be?”

“...Just checking,” Ed said, as innocent as he could. On the inside, he was letting out his absolute longest  _ fuck yeah.  _ “I, uh, wouldn’t want to interrupt anything.”

Everyone leaving for lunch break, the colonel left alone in his office, all of this seemed  _ very  _ familiar.

“Al, do you wanna go too?” Ed asked suddenly, turning up to face his brother. Al’s body language read surprise, even if his helmet couldn’t.

“But I thought we were gonna—”

“I think I’m gonna be a little tied up,” Ed explained with a smile dripping in faux-disappointment, tapping a gloved finger against the stack of papers. “At least let me get started while you’re gone, then we can get cracking on these bad boys when you get back,” Ed continued, gesturing to the hefty tomes beside him. He turned to the last remaining members of the unit in the room. “That’s okay, right? Al can come? You don’t need to buy him anything— I just hate making him wait around for me all the time.”

“If you want to, Alphonse, you’re free to join us,” Hawkeye said kindly, though her eyes seemed fixed in Edward. She didn’t seem to entirely trust his newfound desire to dump Alphonse on a second party. “It would be nice to have you.”

“See? You don’t gotta stay cooped up with your big brother all the time!” Ed assured, digging gloved knuckles into the armor’s arm. With no nerves in his steel body, Alphonse did not react to the touch. “It’ll be cool to see more of the city, besides just hotels and this shithole.”

“Are you sure you don’t want any help, Brother?” Al’s tinny voice resounded from his hollow interior. “I’m sure I could probably—“

“No, no,” Ed held up his hands defensively, giving Hawkeye a sidelong glance. He didn’t really need another earful about what documents  _ could  _ be shared with his brother (none of them) and which ones  _ couldn’t  _ (all of the work he passed along to Alphonse anyway). “It’s stupid State Alchemist stuff anyway, I can’t ask for help even if I wanted to.”

The sights of the armor were fixed on him silently, and Ed wished for the billionth time that Al had a face he could read.

Alphonse’s helmet swiveled in the hollow of his breastplate, gaze now fixed on the adults stopped at the door. “...Are you sure it’s no trouble?” 

Hawkeye offered him a simple smile. “Of course not. You’re no trouble at all.”

“Yeah!” Havoc added, pushing his fists into his coat pockets. “It’s great keeping you around. No one stops a seven-foot suit of armor on the street askin’ for a free lunch.”

“I mean, as long as you’re not bothered by everyone staring all the time…”

“Oh, don’t you fret, kid. If people are staring,” Havoc spoke with the sort of bright grin that made Ed miss Uncle Rockbell’s stupid jokes. “They’re probably just wondering what a buncha fives are doing with a ten.”

Alphonse’s gentle laughter echoes distantly from the cavern of his creaking form.

“Well, if it’s really okay…” It was good to see his brother still having normal conversations with people outside the family. “But are you  _ sure  _ you don’t wanna come, Brother?”

Ed shoved a fist into his pants pocket, digging out a few crumpled bills and stray coins and holding them out to his brother. “If you’re worried, just bring something back for me. You know what I like. I’ll be fine here.”

Riza smiled from the doorway. “Alright, come on, Alphonse. Let your brother work.”

Alphonse took the money in Ed’s extended hand and tucked it into the pouch at his thigh. “I’ll be back soon, okay?”

“Take your time,” Ed said, shooing his brother away with both hands, the way their Grandmother did when she sent them out to the yard to keep them from getting underfoot. “I’ll see ya later.”

“See you later!” Alphonse called, clanking noisily as he hurried to catch up with the adults as they left for their lunch.

The door closed behind them softly, but Ed could still hear his little brother’s heavy footfalls bounding down the hall. He listened carefully to the familiar metallic banging, the broken rhythm of his brother’s strange body, as it got further and further from him, fading into the distance of Eastern Command’s sprawling halls.

And he waited.

The clock on the wall overhead ticked almost silently, but even with the minute purr of the engines in his automail, he could hear the tiniest back and forth.  _ Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. _

Al was pretty noisy. If he couldn’t hear him, they must be pretty far away. And if they tried to come back, he’d certainly hear it. All that time spent listening to Al clatter towards the stairs, and an additional ten seconds of silence.

...That was enough waiting.

Ed kicked his chair away from his desk quickly, wheels squealing as they struggled to keep up with his rapid movements. He practically jumped to his feet, grinning from ear to ear.

Havoc thought the colonel wasn’t as busy as he claimed, huh? Ed wanted to test that theory.

He strode confidently towards the colonel’s office door, reaching for the knob before he reached for the door and only narrowly stopping himself. Even having been told Roy was alone, Ed  _ was  _ told to learn how to knock. It would only be polite to comply with Roy's simple request.

Gloved knuckles rapped lightly against the office door. Ed was certain Roy could  _ hear  _ Ed’s anticipation from the way he knocked. Bouncing on his heels impatiently, he awaited a response.

He was expecting something verbal, as would be customary, but for once, Roy met him at the door. Roy’s face fell into a subtle look of confusion, brow furrowing at the sight of his youngest subordinate.

“FullMetal?” Roy asked, lifting his eyes to stare over the boy’s head, scanning the empty office behind him before returning his attention to his surprise guest. “What are you still doing here?”

“I thought maybe we could spend a little alone time together,” Ed offered, grinning. He tucked his hands coyly behind his back, rocking up onto his toes and dropping back down with a metallic clang. “You know. Work through some, uh…  _ important business?  _ ”

Suddenly, Roy looked a lot more exhausted than his other subordinates had implied. Like Ed’s words had physically drained him. “You’re not pushing your work onto me, FullMetal.”

“Uh, no, stupid, I meant,” Ed explained quickly, ducking under the colonel’s arm and allowing the door to swing closed behind him, leaving the two of them properly alone for the better part of an hour. He gestured to the two of them, indicating the perfection of this scenario. “ _ Important business.  _ ”

Roy didn’t laugh. Ed really thought that one was funny.

“Ey?” Ed held his hands out wider, thinking perhaps Roy was simply not grasping his innuendo. He thought it was very clever, but perhaps the reference had gone over the older man’s head. “ _ Eeeey?  _ ”

“...I’m a little busy, FullMetal.”

“Oh, you can drop the codename, Roy,” Ed said, resting a whirring metal palm against his hip. “It’s just the two of us.”

In response, Roy merely raised an eyebrow, unimpressed.

“...Okay, what gives?” Ed asked, grin falling slowly from his face. Something wasn’t adding up.

“Not here.”

“ _ What!  _ ” Ed didn’t even have time to catch the word as it left his mouth. Roy looked almost offended at his outburst, but Ed was already steamrolling onto his next point without even a pause to breathe. “Th-then can we at least talk about it? Are you doing anything tonight? Huh? I can do tomorrow too!”

“I said,  _ not here.  _ ”

“Then  _ where?  _ Hey, you know I’m kinda wide open right now, so, like, I can swing by later—”

“ _ FullMetal _ ,” Ed winced at the sound of his title. “ _ Stop _ .”

Something in Roy’s tone made him take the request seriously. There was no more bouncing, no more hurried questions. He stopped— completely.

Silence hung in the air between them, Ed’s heart suspended in an anxious limbo. He watched the older man’s shoulders rise with a steadying breath and fall with a sigh. That wasn’t a happy noise, and Ed hated it immediately. Even more, he hated the way Roy turned away from him, lips in a tight grimace, dark eyes fixed on empty air. Whatever he was thinking about, it wasn’t Ed.

“...You can’t tell me that you’re not the type of person to do stuff like that here,” Ed defended in a small voice. “We both know that’s not true.”

“I didn’t say that.”

“Then why?”

“...Just not right now,” Roy said, bringing a hand to his head like Ed was a headache he was trying to force his way through. This wasn’t right. This was… this was very, very wrong. “We can talk about it later, okay? I’ve got a lot on my plate right now.”

Oh… Okay, so… he  _ was  _ busy… That’s okay, Ed had expected as much, but…

“...We’ll talk about it? Like, for real? You’re not just saying that, right?”

“Yes. We’ll talk about it,” Roy assured. Ed had really expected him to smile when he comforted him, but Roy’s frown never lifted. “But not today. When there’s a good time, I will tell you.”

Well… That was something? At least Ed wasn’t leaving empty-handed.

“...Okay,” Ed agreed half-heartedly, feeling like he wouldn’t mind if a trapdoor opened beneath his feet and dropped him into an endless darkness. His voice sounded as if it was pulled tight at each end, desperately suspended over churning waters. “I, uh… I’m sorry for bugging you. I just… thought maybe you wouldn’t be busy…”

“Well, I am.”

“Yeah, uh…” Ed didn’t know what else to say. “...I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine.”

_ It didn’t really sound fine. _

“It’s just…” Roy dragged his lip between his teeth, thinking. “I should perhaps…  _ apologize  _ , if our conversations gave you any... unnecessary expectations.”

“...What does  _ that  _ mean?” Ed asked, voice creaking like a joint in need of oil.

“I told you we would talk about it later, alright? Where’s your brother. Go find him, get your mind off it for a bit,” Roy reached back for the door and held it open wide for the young alchemist. “I’m sure we both have better things to be doing right now.”

He wasn’t necessarily wrong, but something about the reminder felt… harsh.

Ed was still lacking for words, nodding through the prickling heat in his face. He didn’t understand what was happening, but he knew he didn’t like it. He felt stupid, and he didn’t know why. Stupid. Just stupid. Just a stupid, stupid kid asking for something he obviously couldn’t have.

“I, uh…” Ed stammered, hanging his head as he shuffled towards the door. “...Yeah. Sorry. I’ll, uh… look forward to our talk.”

“Me too,” Roy said, and this time he sounded softer, gentler. A small warmth fluttered in Ed’s caged heart. “Go on. I don’t want you worrying over something like this.”

_ Something like this. _ Was he talking about them? Them, as a collective, as a unit. Why was that not something worth worrying about?

The door closed behind him, leaving him abandoned in the painfully silent office, feeling heavier than ever. Off-balance, lopsided. Stitched together like a patchwork doll, one that had seen the cruelty of small and rowdy hands, tearing linen limbs apart. He swallowed thickly, his face uncomfortably hot and his cheeks stinging as if someone was pushing needles into them. That did not go as planned, but at least he had a lot of alone time to forget about it.

Not as much alone time as he would’ve liked, but at least enough to go splash some cold water on his face and try to reset his emotional axis.

Again, there were papers on his desk that he’d been told to complete, and again, he was ignoring them. If Hawkeye asked, he’d just lie and say he got stuck and the colonel couldn’t help him. He had some other things to take care of first.

Setting his jaw, he forced his body to move. He didn’t wanna stay here and risk the colonel catching him sulking over having his advances rejected in favor of stupid military business. The bathrooms seemed like a good enough hiding place until his brother got back. He suddenly wished he hadn’t skipped work the other day; he doubted he could get away with it twice in one week without some sort of write-up, and he  _ desperately  _ wanted to be anywhere but here.

He kept his eyes on the floor as he pushed himself to the door, throwing his weight against it with both hands and stumbling out into the hallway.

And almost directly into someone else.

Ed shot up quickly, expecting the worst. With his luck, it was bound to be some member of the brass who was looking for a tiny thing to take their aggressions out on, and he wasn’t sure he could bear being scolded right now.

Instead of some terrifying, six-foot monster of a man, Ed was stumbling back against the door to avoid crashing headlong into a far daintier thing.

And her squeak of surprise was oddly familiar.

“I-I’m sorry—” Ed stammered reflexively. He hadn’t hit her, but he’d learned that when women make sounds like that, you’re supposed to apologize as quickly as possible because it was always, always,  _ always  _ your fault.

A woman with cinnamon curls pressed a hand to her breast, calming a beating heart. “You scared me…”

“I-I didn’t see you there…” Ed felt his stomach twist into knot after knot. He knew this woman. He knew her, and he did not know her. Which is to say, he didn’t need to know her to know who she was, because she looked like every other woman in her position. She was in uniform, but not  _ the  _ uniform. She worked here, but not  _ in here.  _ Records, as Roy had mentioned.

“You’re one of Colonel Mustang’s reports, aren’t you? From the other day…” She said ‘the other day’ the way the people back home said ‘the old station.’

Ed nodded. “Yeah. I remember you…”

“...Yeah…” She spoke like Ed’s words had sent her mind a thousand miles away. She toyed her plush pink lip between her teeth for a moment, scanning the hallway before speaking again. “I heard you’re a real smart kid,” Ed didn’t wanna hear that from her. “And… He told me you promised not to tell anyone about us.”

Something about her tone sounded like she was speaking to someone far younger than he was. Like her words were kneeling to speak to him eye-to-eye even if her body wasn’t.

“I know it must be hard to understand why things like this have to be secret,” She explained softly, barely above a whisper. “But things like this get complicated when you’re a grown-up. Especially when you work together.”

_ Grown-up.  _ Did he look ten years old to her?

“So, I want to thank you,” She continued. “He and I are really counting on you now.”

“I, uh…” Ed didn’t really want her gratitude, and now that he’d gotten it, he didn’t know what to do with it.. “...Are you here to see the colonel?”

The soft smile fell from her lips at the mention of his title. Ed realized that with their sole interaction ending so catastrophically, perhaps Roy himself was a bit of a sore subject between them. “...Yes. He asked to see me.”

“Oh, uh… He just told me he’s kinda busy right now, so, like, maybe…” Ed stopped himself. Why was he saving this woman the disappointment? Let her find out on her own. Let them both be denied what they came here for. “Well. Good luck. He’s hard to get a hold of right now.”

His words were laced with malice, but if this woman noticed it, she did not comment.

“I think he can make time for me,” She smiled. Really, genuinely.

And suddenly, Ed was not so defeated in her presence. What, did she think  _ Roy  _ was her  _ boyfriend  _ or something? Acting so confident— how  _ pitiful _ . That meant Roy hadn’t broken the news to her yet that he had a new pretty thing in his life.  _ I see her occasionally.  _ Roy hadn’t even spoken highly of her  _ before  _ she’d been replaced.

“I guess we’ll see,” Ed replied, trying to keep his tone professional.

Her face read confusion, uncertainty. She didn’t know what to make of his comment, but he hoped that soon she would. “Yes… Thank you, again, uh…”

“Major FullMetal to you.”

She seemed surprised by the hard-nosed response. “Ah… Then, thank you, Major.”

_ Damn right. _

He stepped out of the doorway, making room for her to pass him. With one last raised-brow look at the boy, she left him alone in the hallway and went to face her fate. He should’ve left it at that, ducked into the restroom to lick his own wounds and forget about this poor girl’s suffering, but there was something horrible in him that would not allow her that mercy.

He’d been disappointed, and now it was her turn.

He stood with his back to the wall, arms folding over his chest, and he waited. Waited for raised voices and wailing, waited for fallout, waited for one very disappointed woman to leave that office in a huff. He waited.

And he waited.

...This was an awfully long goodbye.

Something thick and terrible was beginning to bubble in his throat as minutes passed.  _ Tick. Tock.  _ The halls were filled with the distant sounds of typewriters, a phone ringing, people talking, men’s laughter, but all Ed could focus on was the unendurable roar of time as it passed by him.

Roy was too busy to see anyone right now. Too busy even for Ed. He shouldn’t be able to spare this much time for one stupid, mindless receptionist who probably couldn’t tell a constructive array from a transformative one. What was there to say? Roy should’ve just given her the same boot he gave Ed. 

A sinking feeling was filling him up the way saltwater filled the hollows of a ship, weighing on him, dragging him down. He had asked to see her. That’s what she said, right? He’d asked for her. Even though he was too busy to see Ed, he’d asked to see her. The thought that Roy may have lied to him, the thought that Roy may have reserved time for someone else...

... _ Important business,  _ whoever you were, Ed would never be able to forgive you for being exactly what that man wanted.

Ed turned on his heels. He couldn’t stay here any longer. Not with the way his cheeks were burning, not with the way his vision was blurring. Not here. Anywhere but here.

He kept his head down as he picked up his pace. He didn’t want to be seen, and he didn’t want to be spoken to. The halls of Eastern Command were unusually merciful in their stillness, giving him the space he needed. He threw himself against the bathroom door, forcing it open with an unexpected bang. 

The bathroom was empty. Good. Ed’s hands hit the sink, porcelain cracking beneath a steel fist.

_ Stupid fucking arm, he could still never quite tell how much force was too much. _

His flesh hand hit the faucet, letting the water run full blast into the sink. He needed the noise more than anything. His lips trembled around gritted teeth, his flesh leg shuddering beneath him.

_ Stupid _ . Stupid, stupid,  _ stupid _ . He’d never met anyone so fucking  _ stupid  _ . He didn’t even know where to start with every stupid fucking mistake. He should’ve known better. He should’ve. He really fucking should’ve. Ed picked his head up, stared his reflection down with red-rimmed eyes, seething. Whether his rage was reserved for Mustang, or whether the blame fell squarely on his shoulders, he couldn’t say. He couldn’t think. He couldn’t breathe. He could snarl, he could pound his fists, and could seethe as his own almost-unrecognizable face in a streaked bathroom mirror. It didn’t look like himself. He didn’t feel like himself.

_ Such perky little tits. _

Too soft to be a man.

_ Piglet. _

Not pretty enough to be a girl.

In his reflection, his chapped lip is wobbling, and he fights to stiffen it. He wasn’t thinking about Roy anymore. He wasn’t thinking about him at all. And it was almost surprising just how truthful he could be with himself about that.

If he were thinking about Roy, he would be back in that office right now, kicking the door in with a metal foot if he had to, demanding explanation. He would be screaming himself hoarse, spitting venom and vitriol, and breaking, and breaking, and breaking, until nothing was left. He was supposed to be Roy’s confidant now, in a way that even his adjutant may not be. This was meant to close the gap between them; this was going to be proof Roy saw him as more of an equal than the other men of the unit.

But he was not thinking about Roy.

Because from the moment Roy had entered his life, and in the exact moment he ruined it, Ed knew the only one who’d allowed it was himself.

He’d allowed himself to be kissed and held when his head told him not to, because the fleeting high of intimacy had been more important to him. He’d allowed himself to be positioned, to be stripped, to be fucked like a toy even when his body told him to stop, because it hurt, it couldn’t breathe, because being with Roy was killing the pieces of him that could still die. He’d received his fair share of warnings, all of which he had ignored. No one trusted these men; no one wanted to see Ed ensnared by their patriotic claims. This was yet another taboo, one with warnings and desperate pleas scrawled across every page, and it was yet another line he’d had to learn not to cross by himself. Stupid. Fucking stupid. Now there were things about himself he couldn’t even tell Al.

He couldn’t say he wasn’t a virgin anymore.

Furthermore, he probably shouldn’t mention not being as into girls as he had previously thought.

And he should never, ever tell anyone that he was in love.

Not just schoolyard love. Real, genuine, adult love.

And  _ God  _ , it was fucking killing him.

It was killing him to be this, whatever this was. To be living in this skin, to be listening to this brain. It was killing him to be here, it was killing him to look like this, it was killing him to be so  _ tired  _ all the time.

_ Tired  _ . Always tired. Always heavy, always sweating, always greasy and unkempt. Freckles hidden behind sickly red blotches, whispers of hair along his upper lip that were still umming and erring on whether or not they actually wanted to grow into anything. Crooked teeth, matted hair, and a constant buzz of mechanical whirring, humming, and rumbling that anyone was sure to get sick of eventually. He knew he was.

He should’ve known better, the way their features had been brought into such sharp contrast against one another. Ed should’ve known that someone so perfect should never have to settle. And what of the woman he was with now? Was he calling her pretty? Was he loving her too? Would he mention Ed? Would she care?

Roy Mustang was a man who seemed fundamentally entwined with the concept of romance. An animal who had evolved with charm the way birds had grown wings, the way snakes had grown fangs. It was not that loving him was cheap, or that it was easy; it was that it was natural. Like the conservation of mass, like gravity. As sure as his feet were rooted to this earth, Roy Mustang was a man who was born to be loved.

In his memory, a rumbling engine. Lights that pass by slowly, glinting across steel fingertips on the backseat.

_ I love you, Colonel. _

Ed felt he should not be left wondering if there was a single soul this man had ever claimed to love back.

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was initially going to be a much more playful kink fic titled “Gentlemen Prefer Blondes”, but as I was writing it, a lot changed. I’d still like to revisit this pairing in a more flirtatious way, but I guess this just wasn’t the month for it. Thankfully, there’s always next time. <3


End file.
